Thursday, 13 September 2018

Realizing That I've Slipped | Update on my Mental Health

So. I have been working full time for a month now and in some aspects, a whole lot has been going on whereas in other areas, a whole lot of nothing has been happening.
One day at work last week, I looked in a mirror and was taken aback at what I saw. Across my face all I could see was neglect.
Work has been tiring. No big surprise there! But I have drifted away from myself.
I work 12 hour shifts several days a week and I noticed that even on my days off, I feel lethargic, uninspired and to be honest, sad.
In a lot of ways I feel used up. Emotionally drained.
I mean, of course I'm a little worn out,
- bish i've been working really hard 😂💪
but it feels like it's more than that.

But when I actually paused for a second and gave myself the time to really think about it, I realized that over the last month I have done little to no self care. I haven't been checking in with myself. I get up, go to work, get home, eat dinner and go to bed. And that is my routine for half the week. I have had pretty much no time to do the things I enjoy. I end up having to choose between things like : see my friends or film and edit? Get an early-ish night or hang out with family?

I haven't been able to find the time to film videos or write blog posts which has made me feel like something is missing. I love filming, editing and writing so for that to not be a part of my week has been very hard. 

Yesterday was the first time in about two weeks that I did 'full glam'. It isn't all about the makeup, but makeup makes me feel like who I really am and not having had that in my life for some time, it has left me feeling unlike myself. As soon as I had done my makeup yesterday I felt completely different to how I have been feeling. I felt like a million bucks!💲💲
Taking all of this into consideration, is it really that surprising that there has been a disconnect?
Looking after myself and my mental health is a crucial part of my life and when I am not practicing that, I can feel the difference and it's a huge one.
As my family and friends have said to me this week, my mental health and happiness is what is important. I seem to have ignored that fact. Having only been working for four weeks, I am already placing my job higher on my list of priorities than myself and that is not okay with me.

I have spent much of my life putting myself at the bottom of my list. Over looking my mental health and my needs. Prioritizing anyone and everyone over me. Over the last year or so I began to learn to see myself, to hear what I really feel and think. I refuse to slip back into old, self destructive, damaging habits. I couldn't be happier that I have gotten to a place in my life and recovery where I am able to work, but I am not going to let my previous behaviors prevent me from looking after myself, my mental health and making sure I'm my number one priority.

Please don't think I am complaining about work. I honestly feel so proud and thankful that I have the opportunity to have a job, I am just struggling to find the middle ground with it all. But now that I realize that I am unhappy with the current circumstances, I feel like I am now able to really think about making some adjustments to have the best of everything. I believe we all deserve that 💗

I want to thank you so much for stopping by and for reading my post. I hope you're all taking really good care of yourselves 😊💞

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