Monday 29 November 2021

All I ever wanted...

In recent years I have noticed just how codependent I have been in my relationships.
In each relationship that I have been in, whether they are serious or what some may call a "situationship", I have put 110% of myself into them. I'd remember all of the little details, try my best to make their lives as easy as possible, do pretty much whatever they wanted in the bedroom and just basically have them as my every waking thought. I made another person my 
e v e r y t h i n g. The reason I got up in the morning, the reason I would go to work. Why I would make the choices I made, have the opinions I had. I moulded myself into whatever they required and was happy to do it.

"Codependency: excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner,
typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction."
- Google

So when a relationship would end I was left with this grand canyon size hole in my life. I'd look around and didn't even recognise myself. I felt completely lost and lonely. It may sound cliche but you are who you are spending forever with and throwing yourself away for another person once, twice, a million times just leaves you broken and empty whether the relationship ends or not. Because, believe me, even when it lasts, that doesn't necessarily mean it's good. Subjecting yourself to the pain and maintaining a relationship where you are used and, quite possibly, abused is something that should never be an option. BUT. As someone who has been there and is still learning from the physical and non-physical wounds, I feel your struggle to my very core. 
Alongside not being able to recognise who I was anymore and having abandoned myself on every level the loneliness went deeper than that. I think on some level I felt that if I were connected to my 'faith' I wouldn't have been able to continue doing the stuff that I was doing. For example, I felt I was unable to pray because I was ashamed of my actions and also didn't want to fully address or acknowledge the behaviour I was acting upon... Especially to a higher being/beings that only want what's best for me(?!)

"I truly think codependency is the result of
not having a solid relationship with God.
The more codependent my relationships were, the more weak my connection/relationship with God was.
Hence I was making another person my "god"."
- @nu_mindframe

Every time I was thrown away, discarded by someone who was my very being, on a soul level I was left feeling incredibly secluded. And it is completely your prerogative whether you believe in a God or the universe, spirit, angels, guides, source or anything - For me, I truly believe that when you make another person more important than yourself, you are distancing yourself from your connection to who you are and in effect, your guide(s). My faith has changed as I have aged which I think is natural, but every time I have hit that lowest of low it is my need for connection that hurts the most. And not in the sense of a hug, or a coffee chat with a friend. A deep, meaningful, warm ally. 
Growing up I believed in God and Jesus. I never went to church and it was only my father who had his faith while my mother felt she was agnostic. Religion was something that was never forced upon me, I was given the room to believe in what I felt drawn to. During the hardest times in my life, I was pulled to pray, the act of saying aloud what I was struggling with and asking for help felt therapeutic. When my life fell apart, subconsciously my faith drifted further and further away from me. It wasn't that I was blaming God, it's just that I think my faith in anything disappeared.  

"What kills a soul?
Exhaustion, secret-keeping, image management.
And what brings a soul back from the dead?
Honesty, connection, grace."
- Shauna Niequist

Then one day way back in 2017 (pre-work, pre-mental breakdown...pre-2020 if you can imagine that) I just started looking up my star sign. At that time I was a Capricorn full stop. Then I started learning about natal charts and that there was more than just your 'star sign'. It was like I had just entered wonderland. My eyes had been opened to a whole world of acceptance. Where I had a sign for my sun, a friggin moon sign and whatever the hell a stellium is?! I wanted more. I'm still learning about my own natal chart, what my Mercury sign means for me and whether I'm more drawn to Tropical or Sidereal astrology BUT. I find such comfort in all of it. I then got into tarot, spirituality and crystals. 
-let me tell ya, it was one slippery slope 😅
The feeling that someone/something believes in me - especially when I have no belief in myself - fills me with such comfort. To be honest with you, I'm not my biggest fan so I need all the hype crew I can get. Finding myself connecting with the Universe, angels, guides, God, spirit felt incredibly soothing. All I have ever wanted was connection. I always thought that that would be with another person i.e a romantic relationship, but I've come to understand that while that is wonderful, what I was in desperate need for was a relationship with something bigger than myself. Having a feeling of safety, assurance and comfort. Feeling as though I am loved and cared for no matter what, that there is a plan for me and that I'm not just here to simply exist has really filled a huge gap in my life. 

I've noticed that when I distance myself from, well, myself, I am blinkered in some ways. I find angel numbers to be scarce and reaching for my tarot cards or reading my month ahead interpretations become nearly non-existent. When I am not looking inward I feel like a danger to myself. I am reckless with my actions, careless with my emotions and well and truly don't give a damn about myself.  As sick and warped as it sounds, at these times I miss having someone controlling me. Ordering me to do whatever they want, telling me how to do absolutely everything. I feel aimless and unable to simply live my life. I would say that this year I have really begun to step into my faith. Believe me, I am in the first, wobbly, baby steps, but at least I am on the journey. Now when I think about all I've been through, and the lessons I have learnt, I am able to find some comfort in my confidence that I am being watched over lovingly. 

It has taken a great deal for me to get to where I am now. And I feel that I can look back now and see that I was never really alone. 

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖

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