Thursday 10 January 2019

2am. tears, realizations and hot chocolate.

It's 2:28 am and I am laying with my head in a tear soaked pillow. I have been crying for approximately 40 minutes. About what? About everything. Literally. When I get into this loop, everything comes to my mind. I think about all of the bad choices I have made. I torment myself thinking that no one cares about me. I bully myself about my weight. I compare my life to others and show myself how little I have accomplished with my existence. I go over and over and over why they haven't text me back in 4 days. I cry as silently as possibly so as not to wake my mum and brother peacefully sleeping. I gasp for air as my lungs feel as though they have never been so empty. The tears stream down my face. I clutch at my arms, my face, my blanket; anything that I can reach. I think of how today had been an okay day. How I was laughing with my brother just a number of hours ago. How I was singing and dancing to Little Mix in the shower. How I was cuddling my Pip cuddly toy while watching a movie with family earlier. What happened? This is how it is. Every day. Granted, I don't have a crying session like this every day but the drastic changes in mood? Yeah, that's every day. And I'm getting help "urgent" was the word I believe the doctor said but what do I do for now? When I'm up I'm so unbelievably high it's wonderful but kinda scary at the same time. When I'm down it is pretty unbearable. So now what? Well. I've been typing this up for about 12minutes, the tears have stopped but I have a bad feeling that I am no where near sleep. I'm going to go downstairs, make myself a hot chocolate and then get back into bed and either watch some Sophdoesnails on YouTube or Dancing On Ice... kinda feeling like watching a bit of Ashley Banjo may be the cure I need tonight. I guess I kind of self soothed by writing this down - something I haven't done for MONTHS.
Well, the hot chocolate is calling. toodles! Xoxo

- the one edit i am making is that i watched the perfect man on netflix. which was a fantastic decision, as always ✌