Withdrawels | steps to healing

For months – I mean months, I had been in so much pain. I hid it all away from everyone. Making my family worry is something that I never want to do so I bottled it up. At times the lid would start to lift off but then I would screw it back on tight. I begged to have the strength to let him go. To be able to move on with my life, move forward. It had gone on for far too long. I pleaded to the universe to give me the strength I needed to let go. He was an ongoing reminder of all the pain I had (and still was) enduring. I hadn’t had the strength to completely walk away and remove him from my life. While I had had enough, the discomfort was familiar. The turbulence was habitual. It was part of my everyday life. It was routine at this point. For about two years of my life, the mind-numbing misery was pretty much the only thing that was consistent. It was a constantly open wound. 

Then one day, he was gone. I would never* see him again.

And while this feels somewhat peaceful, somewhat calming, I am also feeling empty. Upon reflection, I have come to realise that it isn’t him that I am missing, it’s the suffering. The constant rollercoaster of emotions. Leaving an abusive relationship is much like withdrawal from a substance(s). Seriously. Look it up.

~ Image is a clickable link to the article ~

Hopelessness? ✔

Feelings of failure? ✔

Shame? ✔

Guilt? ✔

These are feelings I felt throughout the relationship and since it ended. None of which are positive, helpful or aid me in my healing journey. 

So now that this huge part of my life is gone, is it any wonder that I’ve been feeling a lil’ funky? Nay. Believe me, when I first read that leaving an abusive relationship could cause withdrawal much like that of giving up an addictive substance I was floored. There was finally an answer to the question that had been plaguing me for so long: Why do I miss the relationship? It isn't logical to miss it. But it was never him or the relationship I missed, it was the chemical imbalances that that relationship had created. And I had been exposed to them for so long that the lack of them felt almost unbearable. 

What happens now? 

It feels as though I am re-learning how to just 👏 live 👏 my 👏 life 👏. To live life without having to feel like someone else’s emotions are my responsibility. Without having to be ten steps ahead of another person in order to feel that something bad won’t happen. In order to feel safe. Learning to live my life without the perpetual abuse, the unceasing cycle of destructive behaviour and abandonment of self. 

I am beginning the process of unlearning a lot of behaviours. Working through which parts of me are me and which are now disposable. Growth isn't easy, - understatement of the year - it is painful and uncomfortable. I am now starting to learn how to hold myself accountable for my choices and trying to be conscious within myself. I feel that I found myself so lost and consumed in that terrible situation and relationship(s) was because I had never truly tried to be within myself. To feel into my soul and find what resonates and what doesn't. 

When I started findingnoo, one of my main goals was to be able to find all parts of myself. To get to know me better and create a beautiful, loving and accepting relationship with myself. To become understanding and have an unbreakable bond with me. In being in this relationship and others, I have put my life on hold. I have put my recovery on the bottom of my list and have created an existence where I am of service to everyone but never have the time for myself. 

At this time I am feeling a mixture of hope and anxiety. I feel like I have been freed from prison. I served my time (even though I didn't need to) and I can now live the life I was always meant to live. And I will do what I always planned to do: document my healing journey on here and other platforms in the hopes that I can help anyone who is or has been in a similar situation. 

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖

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*You know, never say never but the likelihood that I will see him again? V e r y low. 

Confronting My Abuser | steps to healing

•|Trigger warning.|•

The following contains adult content, my experience with mental, verbal and emotional abuse, mental health struggles. Reader discretion is advised.❤

🌱

I don’t know what came over me. It was a normal day, I was doing what I do as I always do it but something was different. I was suddenly filled with courage, anger and with determination. I spoke my truth. 

I laid it all out in front of him. I told him how he had made me feel. I explained that I had given him everything I could possibly think of: money, my body, my love, my attention and nearly even my life. And it was still never enough. I let him know how all of this made me feel, how it still makes me feel. 

Throughout I had a swirly feeling in my stomach. Saying these things that felt so overdue, out loud, to him… It was surreal. It felt like word vomit but in an articulate, calm and - somehow - polite manner. He, on the other hand, seemed nonchalant and as if he weren’t hearing the words coming out of my mouth. His lack of response/reaction to the horrors I was sharing completely stunned me. 

When we were seeing each other, he often seemed like he couldn’t care less about me and my feelings but he still managed to shock me by his lack of displaying regret upon hearing the pain he has caused me. Since being apart I have often blamed myself for everything that happened. I would remove all blame from him and make him seem to be innocent. 

In the past, I had said many of these things to him but it felt like this time I had conviction. Every word had been processed over and over in my mind. It was as if this was a scripted speech. I had been feeling like something had to give. I wasn’t sure what needed to be done but I knew it was something. 

Afterwards, I almost cried. Not from fear or regret. Tears of joy. I was, and still am, incredibly proud of myself. I stood up for myself in a way that reflected who I am, a calm, caring and respectful person. There was no ill-will or bad feeling on my part, I just needed on a soul level to shed. I needed to shed that part of my story and begin my journey to healing. 

🌠I was fortunate to be able to have the safe space to do this in. I wouldn’t recommend every person in a similar situation do the same. If you aren’t in a completely safe place and in the right mindset it could be very dangerous.

Please be mindful.🌠

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖

•    INSTAGRAM  •    TWITTER    •    YOUTUBE  •    FACEBOOK  •    PINTEREST  •    TUMBLR  •    TIKTOK  •

Commitment

 We are the only thinkers in our minds.

– Louise Hay

 

I’ve been feeling very disconnected from myself. That’s nothing new really, to be honest, but lately, I feel distracted and very distant from myself. I have attended all of my shifts this month (-1) which makes me feel proud. I have been disregarding myself at work. Not staying hydrated, not taking proper breaks, eating crap for the sake of it etc. On my days off, I do nothing and sometimes even less than that. It’s at a point now where I don’t even plan on doing anything let alone plan something and not follow through with it. I haven’t been creating, writing. Wearing makeup is a thing of the past. I get signs to meditate, get fresh air, watch something that promotes growth, sleep routine & waking up earlier, read… But never act on it. I feel so sick of continually getting to this point. It is so draining to know that this vicious cycle will just keep going round and round. I want to change/improve but I never actually do it. So sick and tired of my own unwillingness to commit to myself and my highest good.