All this sacrifice and for what? | steps to healing

In a conversation with a co-worker, they mentioned how other people at work like me. Which they then corrected to "most people". 

For the rest of the chat, all my mind was fixated on was the fact that not everyone likes me. It made me feel sad to think that there are people around me that don't like me. I started thinking - why not? what's wrong with me? what did I do wrong? I bend over backwards for others. Often ignoring my own needs to make sure they have a good day so what more can I do?! Round and round the spiralling went. When the conversation was over, I thought "I don't like every single person I know so..." which then lead to me criticising myself for being a 'mean person' for not liking every single person 100%. 

But why did I take it so personally? While I am a flawed and unperfect person taking such things so personally is a daily occurrence for me. And this is - as I'm sure you can imagine - painful and exhausting. In the back of my mind I have always had a thought that if you do good, you are owed good. It started from a young age as - Treat others the way you wish to be treated - but it then morphed into some kind of self-torture. Where, if I am not exhausting myself, neglecting myself or making sure everyone is happy other than myself, then I am a bad person. 

How can a good person be gifted with good things? Where is the penance? 

I have wanted to know for so long why I am the way that I am. That’s a pretty vague way of putting it but in truth, I have struggled my whole life with thinking the way I do, and I’ve never known why. Logic dictates that if you’re repeating a behaviour/thinking style that is having an undesirable effect on you and your life, you change it. But try as I might I’ve never been able to get to the root issue.

Heaven’s reward fallacy.

"The "Heaven's Reward Fallacy"
manifests as a belief that one's struggles,
one's suffering, and one's hard work will
result in a just reward."
- positivepsychology.com

~ link to the source ~

What is it? In basic terms, it is a cognitive distortion. And a cognitive distortion is – "Research suggests that people develop cognitive distortions as a way of coping with adverse events. The more prolonged and severe those adverse events are, the more likely it is that one or more cognitive distortions will form." While I do suffer from other cognitive distortions, Heaven’s reward fallacy is definitely the one that affects my life the most – and not in a good way. I had an amazing childhood. I felt loved and had all the makings of what a child loves. However, I was witness to another person's inner struggles and suffering. While living with poor mental health is difficult, seeing someone you love more than anything go through it feels so much worse when you are a child. Things I heard and saw affect me to this day. It was traumatic and the healing is ongoing. I began to take it personally if I weren't able to pull them out of their dark times. I would feel failure when I did everything I could possibly think of to show that person love and to see it solve nothing. I think this was the beginning of a belief system starting: Give 100% to everyone around me and don't focus on myself. That's what 'good' people do. 

"Heaven's reward fallacy -

expecting all sacrifice and self-denial to pay off,

as if there were someone keeping score,

and feeling disappointed and even bitter

when the reward does not come"

- Beck 1976

~ link to the source ~

Sacrifice and self-denial are old companions of mine. They have been with me for as long as I can remember. Even as a child I would struggle with thoughts that if I do x, y and z, then that means I am a good person. I have always felt the need to seek out the 'proof'. When I have been in abusive relationships there was always an undercurrent of me feeling like if I endured all this pain, something amazing will come my way. If I am still kind, understanding and loving to people who treat me like shit, then that proves that I am a good person and therefore will be rewarded positively in some way. How dangerous. In all seriousness, I have tolerated such disgusting behaviour from people just to confirm to myself that I am in fact a good person. 

Before knowing about Heaven's Reward Fallacy, there was a part of me that felt it was religious in nature. I grew up feeling that I was drawn to Christianity and would carry that out in the form of prayer, repentance and stringent ruling. Around the age of 27-29, I became less drawn to Christianity. I'm not sure why, but it just seemed distant to me now. That was followed by guilt and shame as I believed that I couldn't be a 'good person' without a God or religion in my life. I now realise that this was because I felt I needed someone/something to hold me accountable. To judge my actions, lack of and even my thoughts. To keep a scoreboard. There are things I have done/said and afterwards, I think: "why the hell did I do that?!??" or "how could I have done that??!?". And I think that comes down to 1) my lack of connection with myself and/or a higher being and 2) not to seem like I'm playing the blame game but, Heaven's Reward Fallacy had skewed my view on absolutely everything that I have had no freedom to be just a 'normal', flawed human being. 

"No amount of self-improvement

can make up for any lack of self-acceptance"

- @antiloneliness

I have given so much of myself away for a belief that doesn't even sit right with me. 

In truth, I don't give to receive and I don't expect others to go above and beyond for me. Doing the best you can, trying to be a good person is enough, surely? And to be honest, wouldn't we say that if someone is striving to be their best self, isn't that reward enough? They can look at themselves in the mirror and feel pride and happiness in the knowledge that they are the person they want to be. As people, we aren't perfect - far from it! and that is okay. It is something that I find very hard to accept. I hold myself to an excruciatingly high standard where perfection is achievable and what I allow as the bare minimum. Heaven's reward fallacy has made me my own worst enemy. Making me believe that my good enough, isn't good enough. 

I feel that I really need to allow myself the awareness and understanding that trying is more than enough. Nothing and no one is perfect and doing my best is perfectly acceptable. I can only imagine what my life would look like if it weren't controlled by guilt, shame and punishment but having spent my whole life up until this point living this way, I feel I owe myself the opportunity to live life minus the obsessive belief that I don't deserve any good in my life without massive self-neglect. 

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖

 

 

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All I ever wanted...

In recent years I have noticed just how codependent I have been in my relationships.

In each relationship that I have been in, whether they are serious or what some may call a "situationship", I have put 110% of myself into them. I'd remember all of the little details, try my best to make their lives as easy as possible, do pretty much whatever they wanted in the bedroom and just basically have them as my every waking thought. I made another person my 

e v e r y t h i n g. The reason I got up in the morning, the reason I would go to work. Why I would make the choices I made, have the opinions I had. I moulded myself into whatever they required and was happy to do it.

"Codependency: excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner,

typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction."

- Google

So when a relationship would end I was left with this grand canyon size hole in my life. I'd look around and didn't even recognise myself. I felt completely lost and lonely. It may sound cliche but you are who you are spending forever with and throwing yourself away for another person once, twice, a million times just leaves you broken and empty whether the relationship ends or not. Because, believe me, even when it lasts, that doesn't necessarily mean it's good. Subjecting yourself to the pain and maintaining a relationship where you are used and, quite possibly, abused is something that should never be an option. BUT. As someone who has been there and is still learning from the physical and non-physical wounds, I feel your struggle to my very core. 

Alongside not being able to recognise who I was anymore and having abandoned myself on every level the loneliness went deeper than that. I think on some level I felt that if I were connected to my 'faith' I wouldn't have been able to continue doing the stuff that I was doing. For example, I felt I was unable to pray because I was ashamed of my actions and also didn't want to fully address or acknowledge the behaviour I was acting upon... Especially to a higher being/beings that only want what's best for me(?!)

"I truly think codependency is the result of

not having a solid relationship with God.

The more codependent my relationships were, the more weak my connection/relationship with God was.

Hence I was making another person my "god"."

- @nu_mindframe

Every time I was thrown away, discarded by someone who was my very being, on a soul level I was left feeling incredibly secluded. And it is completely your prerogative whether you believe in a God or the universe, spirit, angels, guides, source or anything - For me, I truly believe that when you make another person more important than yourself, you are distancing yourself from your connection to who you are and in effect, your guide(s). My faith has changed as I have aged which I think is natural, but every time I have hit that lowest of low it is my need for connection that hurts the most. And not in the sense of a hug, or a coffee chat with a friend. A deep, meaningful, warm ally. 

Growing up I believed in God and Jesus. I never went to church and it was only my father who had his faith while my mother felt she was agnostic. Religion was something that was never forced upon me, I was given the room to believe in what I felt drawn to. During the hardest times in my life, I was pulled to pray, the act of saying aloud what I was struggling with and asking for help felt therapeutic. When my life fell apart, subconsciously my faith drifted further and further away from me. It wasn't that I was blaming God, it's just that I think my faith in anything disappeared.  

"What kills a soul?

Exhaustion, secret-keeping, image management.

And what brings a soul back from the dead?

Honesty, connection, grace."

- Shauna Niequist

Then one day way back in 2017 (pre-work, pre-mental breakdown...pre-2020 if you can imagine that) I just started looking up my star sign. At that time I was a Capricorn full stop. Then I started learning about natal charts and that there was more than just your 'star sign'. It was like I had just entered wonderland. My eyes had been opened to a whole world of acceptance. Where I had a sign for my sun, a friggin moon sign and whatever the hell a stellium is?! I wanted more. I'm still learning about my own natal chart, what my Mercury sign means for me and whether I'm more drawn to Tropical or Sidereal astrology BUT. I find such comfort in all of it. I then got into tarot, spirituality and crystals. 

-let me tell ya, it was one slippery slope 😅

The feeling that someone/something believes in me - especially when I have no belief in myself - fills me with such comfort. To be honest with you, I'm not my biggest fan so I need all the hype crew I can get. Finding myself connecting with the Universe, angels, guides, God, spirit felt incredibly soothing. All I have ever wanted was connection. I always thought that that would be with another person i.e a romantic relationship, but I've come to understand that while that is wonderful, what I was in desperate need for was a relationship with something bigger than myself. Having a feeling of safety, assurance and comfort. Feeling as though I am loved and cared for no matter what, that there is a plan for me and that I'm not just here to simply exist has really filled a huge gap in my life. 

I've noticed that when I distance myself from, well, myself, I am blinkered in some ways. I find angel numbers to be scarce and reaching for my tarot cards or reading my month ahead interpretations become nearly non-existent. When I am not looking inward I feel like a danger to myself. I am reckless with my actions, careless with my emotions and well and truly don't give a damn about myself.  As sick and warped as it sounds, at these times I miss having someone controlling me. Ordering me to do whatever they want, telling me how to do absolutely everything. I feel aimless and unable to simply live my life. I would say that this year I have really begun to step into my faith. Believe me, I am in the first, wobbly, baby steps, but at least I am on the journey. Now when I think about all I've been through, and the lessons I have learnt, I am able to find some comfort in my confidence that I am being watched over lovingly. 

It has taken a great deal for me to get to where I am now. And I feel that I can look back now and see that I was never really alone. 

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖

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Withdrawels | steps to healing

For months – I mean months, I had been in so much pain. I hid it all away from everyone. Making my family worry is something that I never want to do so I bottled it up. At times the lid would start to lift off but then I would screw it back on tight. I begged to have the strength to let him go. To be able to move on with my life, move forward. It had gone on for far too long. I pleaded to the universe to give me the strength I needed to let go. He was an ongoing reminder of all the pain I had (and still was) enduring. I hadn’t had the strength to completely walk away and remove him from my life. While I had had enough, the discomfort was familiar. The turbulence was habitual. It was part of my everyday life. It was routine at this point. For about two years of my life, the mind-numbing misery was pretty much the only thing that was consistent. It was a constantly open wound. 

Then one day, he was gone. I would never* see him again.

And while this feels somewhat peaceful, somewhat calming, I am also feeling empty. Upon reflection, I have come to realise that it isn’t him that I am missing, it’s the suffering. The constant rollercoaster of emotions. Leaving an abusive relationship is much like withdrawal from a substance(s). Seriously. Look it up.

~ Image is a clickable link to the article ~

Hopelessness? ✔

Feelings of failure? ✔

Shame? ✔

Guilt? ✔

These are feelings I felt throughout the relationship and since it ended. None of which are positive, helpful or aid me in my healing journey. 

So now that this huge part of my life is gone, is it any wonder that I’ve been feeling a lil’ funky? Nay. Believe me, when I first read that leaving an abusive relationship could cause withdrawal much like that of giving up an addictive substance I was floored. There was finally an answer to the question that had been plaguing me for so long: Why do I miss the relationship? It isn't logical to miss it. But it was never him or the relationship I missed, it was the chemical imbalances that that relationship had created. And I had been exposed to them for so long that the lack of them felt almost unbearable. 

What happens now? 

It feels as though I am re-learning how to just 👏 live 👏 my 👏 life 👏. To live life without having to feel like someone else’s emotions are my responsibility. Without having to be ten steps ahead of another person in order to feel that something bad won’t happen. In order to feel safe. Learning to live my life without the perpetual abuse, the unceasing cycle of destructive behaviour and abandonment of self. 

I am beginning the process of unlearning a lot of behaviours. Working through which parts of me are me and which are now disposable. Growth isn't easy, - understatement of the year - it is painful and uncomfortable. I am now starting to learn how to hold myself accountable for my choices and trying to be conscious within myself. I feel that I found myself so lost and consumed in that terrible situation and relationship(s) was because I had never truly tried to be within myself. To feel into my soul and find what resonates and what doesn't. 

When I started findingnoo, one of my main goals was to be able to find all parts of myself. To get to know me better and create a beautiful, loving and accepting relationship with myself. To become understanding and have an unbreakable bond with me. In being in this relationship and others, I have put my life on hold. I have put my recovery on the bottom of my list and have created an existence where I am of service to everyone but never have the time for myself. 

At this time I am feeling a mixture of hope and anxiety. I feel like I have been freed from prison. I served my time (even though I didn't need to) and I can now live the life I was always meant to live. And I will do what I always planned to do: document my healing journey on here and other platforms in the hopes that I can help anyone who is or has been in a similar situation. 

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖

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*You know, never say never but the likelihood that I will see him again? V e r y low. 

Confronting My Abuser | steps to healing

•|Trigger warning.|•

The following contains adult content, my experience with mental, verbal and emotional abuse, mental health struggles. Reader discretion is advised.❤

🌱

I don’t know what came over me. It was a normal day, I was doing what I do as I always do it but something was different. I was suddenly filled with courage, anger and with determination. I spoke my truth. 

I laid it all out in front of him. I told him how he had made me feel. I explained that I had given him everything I could possibly think of: money, my body, my love, my attention and nearly even my life. And it was still never enough. I let him know how all of this made me feel, how it still makes me feel. 

Throughout I had a swirly feeling in my stomach. Saying these things that felt so overdue, out loud, to him… It was surreal. It felt like word vomit but in an articulate, calm and - somehow - polite manner. He, on the other hand, seemed nonchalant and as if he weren’t hearing the words coming out of my mouth. His lack of response/reaction to the horrors I was sharing completely stunned me. 

When we were seeing each other, he often seemed like he couldn’t care less about me and my feelings but he still managed to shock me by his lack of displaying regret upon hearing the pain he has caused me. Since being apart I have often blamed myself for everything that happened. I would remove all blame from him and make him seem to be innocent. 

In the past, I had said many of these things to him but it felt like this time I had conviction. Every word had been processed over and over in my mind. It was as if this was a scripted speech. I had been feeling like something had to give. I wasn’t sure what needed to be done but I knew it was something. 

Afterwards, I almost cried. Not from fear or regret. Tears of joy. I was, and still am, incredibly proud of myself. I stood up for myself in a way that reflected who I am, a calm, caring and respectful person. There was no ill-will or bad feeling on my part, I just needed on a soul level to shed. I needed to shed that part of my story and begin my journey to healing. 

🌠I was fortunate to be able to have the safe space to do this in. I wouldn’t recommend every person in a similar situation do the same. If you aren’t in a completely safe place and in the right mindset it could be very dangerous.

Please be mindful.🌠

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖

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Commitment

 We are the only thinkers in our minds.

– Louise Hay

 

I’ve been feeling very disconnected from myself. That’s nothing new really, to be honest, but lately, I feel distracted and very distant from myself. I have attended all of my shifts this month (-1) which makes me feel proud. I have been disregarding myself at work. Not staying hydrated, not taking proper breaks, eating crap for the sake of it etc. On my days off, I do nothing and sometimes even less than that. It’s at a point now where I don’t even plan on doing anything let alone plan something and not follow through with it. I haven’t been creating, writing. Wearing makeup is a thing of the past. I get signs to meditate, get fresh air, watch something that promotes growth, sleep routine & waking up earlier, read… But never act on it. I feel so sick of continually getting to this point. It is so draining to know that this vicious cycle will just keep going round and round. I want to change/improve but I never actually do it. So sick and tired of my own unwillingness to commit to myself and my highest good. 

Not Walking Away | mini entry

I allowed a patient* to repeatedly hit me. I mean proper hits. Slapping, punching, and grabbing. Fortunately for me, they were of an age and frailty, where no damage was done. No physical damage at least. It didn't occur to me until afterward that I had had multiple opportunities to walk away. To literally leave the situation, but I didn't. I didn't start crying until they (for no apparent reason) grabbed open my uniform. That was when the tears came. The hitting? No real emotional effect but the opening of my clothes without my consent? Completely different story. 

It reminded me of him. 

*this person suffers from mental illness, I hold no resentment or blame towards them. 

Coming Home.

 I remember the goal.

The goal was to get well enough to be able to get a job. To push the OCD back and far away enough to be able to have a 'normal' life. Well, I achieved it. It took blood, sweat, guts and too many tears to count but my god did I do it. I looked OCD in the face and told it to fuck off. I mentally listed everything it had taken from me. The opportunities I had missed, the life I had been unable to live. I sat one day flooded in tears saying aloud “I hate you. I HATE YOU”. I had blocked the hoover with tissue that I was too afraid to pick up. I had to practically dismantle the thing to sort it out, which lead me to think that it would have been so much easier and less time consuming to have just picked the stupid tissue up in the first place. I was filled with rage. And for once it wasn't aimed at me, it was aimed directly to the correct culprit, the OCD. Having that thing to directly place the blame on became my bullseye. Something to aim towards – or in my case, head directly away from. The OCD became my enemy. It had deprived me of so much that how else could I have looked at it? That mentality worked in my favour. With consistent, hard work I was able to turn my life around. I actually began living again.

"My story is not a sad story; it's a real one.

It's a story about a girl who fought through a storm she thought would never end."

-hannah blum

Within the first three months of starting my job I was unhappy. I felt like I had no time for myself, no time to work on myself. I feel that a person needs to be constantly working on themselves. I believe that who I am is ever evolving and my education of myself will never be finished. Working ate into my 'me' time. I felt like I was growing further and further away from myself and as a result, my recovery. I never believed that getting the job would be the last piece of the puzzle but I never expected it to cost me anything. I never thought it would take pieces of the puzzle away from me. Over the last two or so years since I've been working, I have been in and left an abusive relationship, been diagnosed with symptoms of eupd and feel like I have grown further and further away from myself with each month that has passed. Even when I feel there is something to aim for I have looked the other way and in doing so have worsened my relationship with myself.

I haven't re-focused.

Even though I have three whole days off a week all to myself I still haven't made the time to get back to my recovery. Each day I push it to the back of my mind. I fill my free time with watching true crime videos on YouTube which, lets face it doesn't exactly bring a person joy. Or I listen to sad songs that remind me of bad times. Or I isolate myself and sit in my room ruminating my negative feelings rather than focus on the good in my life. I think when I had a clear enemy to focus on it made it (somewhat) easier to push forward. The OCD was a cut a clear opponent with whom I was eventually able to defeat. Now I feel aimless. I think about it all the time. I can't find the goal. It feels like there's a big bullseye looming over me but it's just out of reach.

I think I spent so much time worrying that I have no goal that it completely eluded me... Me. I'm the goal. Working on myself has never felt like work. It has filled me with pride, motivation and enthusiasm. The first day I walked out of my house when I was home alone gave me a feeling of complete euphoria. I was on top of the world. When I am working on myself I am driven. Coming home to myself is a direction that feels more than right. It feels familiar and exciting all at the same time. I am back on track to findingnoo. 

"I have traveled through madness to find me"

-danny alexander

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖

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Waiting for an apology that will never come

•|Trigger warning.|•

The following contains adult content, my experience with mental, verbal and emotional abuse, mental health struggles. Reader discretion is advised.❤

🌱

I spoke to him.

My ex-abuser.

I told him about that one specific time and how what he did to me would constitute sexual assault.

He looked at me blankly.

No apology.

I described what he did to me that day.

Somehow I managed to describe it without the gory details.

Giving just enough information to jog his memory.

He couldn't remember.

No apology.

All he added to the conversation was that I had freaked him out by saying that I could have reported him for what he had done.

He didn't ask how I am/how I've been dealing with it etc.

No apology.

Since what happened I have been plagued with flashbacks.

Now when I think of him it is one of the first thoughts I have.

But for him? He didn't even remember it happening.

No apology.

For months I have been in a prison. Remembering that day and many others when he would be abusive.

I'm still able to be brought to tears when thinking of that year of torment.

Him on the other hand? Doesn't even recall how he treated me.

No apology.

His life has continued on as normal.

He is still on the same path in his life.

All of his plans and relationships haven't been tainted.

He isn't looking for red flags when surrounded by others.

He's happy.

He is still the whole person he was.

His family haven't had to see him breaking down.

No apology.

There is a huge blank space within me and I feel like that part of me is still there in that hotel bathroom. Too jarred to produce tears. Feeling afraid and weak. I believe when I left the hotel room that day, I left a huge piece of me sitting there. She has been trapped there all this time. In a constant loop of not knowing what to do. Feeling used and broken. I can feel her sitting there alone. Crying. She can't find the key card to exit. Her stomach is in knots. She can see his marks on her body. She's showered but still feels incredibly filthy. Empty stomach. Mind full of dread and disgust. The guilt I feel for leaving her behind is intense. But how do I go back and rescue her only to tell her that I have continued to make the same mistakes? I imagine reaching out my hand to her and her cowering away from me. And I honestly cannot blame her. At every point I chose him over me. I put his needs first. I created a world in which I was invisible to everyone – including myself.

I have overwhelming feelings of pain and anger towards myself. After everything he put me through, it's me who I'm mad at. 

It's my apology to myself that I am waiting for. Even to this day. 

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖

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Guilt / My Companion

For the majority of 2019 I was in an abusive relationship.
In December of that year I - reluctantly and somewhat unwillingly - walked away. Throughout our time together there had been flags of all kinds of colours. Which I pushed to one side every time. The way in which he spoke to me, about me and how he treated my soul and body wasn't okay. To put it lightly. But he kind of reminded me of someone. Me. The words he would use, the lack of consideration for my thoughts and feelings. His callousness with my emotional well being, the body that I live in and my mental health. It all felt familiar. Close to home. I feel on some level he was able to see what little regard I had for myself and used that as his benchmark. It makes me assess other relationships I have had and how there is a common under current to how I am treated.

Since then I have been on the journey working on healing. I have had racing thoughts, endless questions to which I have largely been trying to push to one side. However, this past week I have been pestered and left wondering...

How many times is God/Source/The Universe,

going to bring someone into my life

 - that reflects my own toxicity back at me - 

JUST for me to ignore it?

I have been sent living mirrors. People who have as little regard for me and my feelings as I do, several times, for me to then simply be ignorant to the message.

Looking back at my life as a whole there is a consistent pattern. I believe that if I put up with anything and everything I have in a way 'paid my dues'. If I have been badly mistreated that means something amazing will come my way. Maybe if I allow myself to be treated like crap then I will be rewarded. It's like I'm working off a debt that doesn't exist. AND If there isn't someone in my life treating me badly you best believe that I will personally fill that position. I have been a willing and active participant in my overall mistreatment. All because I believed that I deserved to be struggling, miserable and filled with guilt.

"Self betrayal is a coping mechanism learned in childhood when we betray our own needs, emotions and desires in order to gain love or approval from a parent figure".

-the holistic psychologist

I actually thought the other day: why am I punishing myself? What have I done that I need to make amends for? I had zero answers. That isn't me saying I'm perfect, I've never made a mistake in my life or that I'm some kind of angel because - p-lease 👀  - Perfect doesn't exist, we've all made mistakes but punishing yourself? Achieves nothing. Sure, if, for example, you hurt someones feelings : apologize and move forwards. What more can a person do? I literally walk around as if I owe the world an apology just for being here. I feel like my existence is a burden.

Over the last few months I have given myself a bit of space and it has provided me with some clarity. In a video I watched the other day, the speaker said that you may be in an abusive relationship with a toxic person but you are toxic too... To yourself. Man did my jaw hit the floor. In truth, I feel that the guilt I feel is valid but perhaps not in the way I have always believed. I feel guilt over allowing myself to be used, abused and neglected by others but mainly, by me. I feel that I do owe an apology but only to myself. The pattern I have been living my whole life is toxic, it keeps me very small and makes me a doormat in every way imaginable. How could this serve anyone?? I'm living proof that it doesn't. Not at all.

"a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc.,

whether real or imagined".

-guilt definition

In all honesty I think I used to 'blame' it on the beliefs I had with regards to religion. If I am the nicest, purest, kindest, un-selfish person in the world then surely I will be in Gods good books. It sounds a little ridiculous and sad to me now realizing that this is how I have lived my life. From as young as I can remember I have always stifled my complaints, my needs and qualms with regards to others and the world. Truly believing that if I ask for nothing I will be rewarded everything. And that isn't in a manifesting kind of way. Eg: I will exude positivity and positivity will return to me. More like: Asking for anything is bad, needing things are selfish. If I am as selfless as can be, only good can come of it. SPOILER ALERT that's a crock of shit. Anything but good has come from living this narrative.

I have lived each day as if I am locked in a prison cell.
I am the prison guard, the prisoner and the warden. All of whom are keeping their eyes on me, making sure I tow the line. The slightest resistance to feeling that I deserve better/more and I am reprimanded. Whether by removing enjoyable things from my life, creating a severe depressive episode or by isolating me from anyone and everyone. I am fully prepared for when I need to be punished but I am never ready to do the opposite. To have an understanding that life is what I make it and by continuing this seemingly never ending loop, I am, each day, reinforcing that the way I think is correct and that there is no need to change it.

"I'm a black belt when I'm beating up on myself,

but I'm an expert at giving love to somebody else".

-demi lovato

My belief system has kept my world small, tiny, even. Resulting in me never striving for more. Never having goals or aspirations. I am left feeling like I don't really know who I am. Who am I without people pleasing? Who would I be if I were able to remove the unnecessary guilt that I carry with me constantly? What kind of life would I be living if I didn't always shun myself for daring to reach out my hands and ask for more? Without my guilt who the hell am I? I wish I could tell you. Stripping away all of the trauma, the programming, the laws that I force myself to live by, what could possibly be left? I feel like I cling to my guilt as if it were my best friend. It is knitted into who I am. The thought of losing a part of yourself is kinda scary - even when it is a negative part. Take one step out of your makeup routine and boy will you notice it. Take away a piece of yourself? Who knows what ramifications will occur. 

I just want to be happy. I feel like I have managed to rule out so many possible 'reasons' for my guilt but have yet to settle on the root cause. 

If I dare to ask for more for my life what will happen?

Lets see.

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖

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