Thursday, 11 February 2021

Guilt / My Companion

For the majority of 2019 I was in an abusive relationship.
In December of that year I - reluctantly and somewhat unwillingly - walked away. Throughout our time together there had been flags of all kinds of colours. Which I pushed to one side every time. The way in which he spoke to me, about me and how he treated my soul and body wasn't okay. To put it lightly. But he kind of reminded me of someone. Me. The words he would use, the lack of consideration for my thoughts and feelings. His callousness with my emotional well being, the body that I live in and my mental health. It all felt familiar. Close to home. I feel on some level he was able to see what little regard I had for myself and used that as his benchmark. It makes me assess other relationships I have had and how there is a common under current to how I am treated.

Since then I have been on the journey working on healing. I have had racing thoughts, endless questions to which I have largely been trying to push to one side. However, this past week I have been pestered and left wondering...
How many times is God/Source/The Universe,
going to bring someone into my life
 - that reflects my own toxicity back at me - 
JUST for me to ignore it?

I have been sent living mirrors. People who have as little regard for me and my feelings as I do, several times, for me to then simply be ignorant to the message.

Looking back at my life as a whole there is a consistent pattern. I believe that if I put up with anything and everything I have in a way 'paid my dues'. If I have been badly mistreated that means something amazing will come my way. Maybe if I allow myself to be treated like crap then I will be rewarded. It's like I'm working off a debt that doesn't exist. AND If there isn't someone in my life treating me badly you best believe that I will personally fill that position. I have been a willing and active participant in my overall mistreatment. All because I believed that I deserved to be struggling, miserable and filled with guilt.

"Self betrayal is a coping mechanism learned in childhood when we betray our own needs, emotions and desires in order to gain love or approval from a parent figure".
-the holistic psychologist

I actually thought the other day: why am I punishing myself? What have I done that I need to make amends for? I had zero answers. That isn't me saying I'm perfect, I've never made a mistake in my life or that I'm some kind of angel because - p-lease 👀  - Perfect doesn't exist, we've all made mistakes but punishing yourself? Achieves nothing. Sure, if, for example, you hurt someones feelings : apologize and move forwards. What more can a person do? I literally walk around as if I owe the world an apology just for being here. I feel like my existence is a burden.

Over the last few months I have given myself a bit of space and it has provided me with some clarity. In a video I watched the other day, the speaker said that you may be in an abusive relationship with a toxic person but you are toxic too... To yourself. Man did my jaw hit the floor. In truth, I feel that the guilt I feel is valid but perhaps not in the way I have always believed. I feel guilt over allowing myself to be used, abused and neglected by others but mainly, by me. I feel that I do owe an apology but only to myself. The pattern I have been living my whole life is toxic, it keeps me very small and makes me a doormat in every way imaginable. How could this serve anyone?? I'm living proof that it doesn't. Not at all.

"a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc.,
whether real or imagined".
-guilt definition

In all honesty I think I used to 'blame' it on the beliefs I had with regards to religion. If I am the nicest, purest, kindest, un-selfish person in the world then surely I will be in Gods good books. It sounds a little ridiculous and sad to me now realizing that this is how I have lived my life. From as young as I can remember I have always stifled my complaints, my needs and qualms with regards to others and the world. Truly believing that if I ask for nothing I will be rewarded everything. And that isn't in a manifesting kind of way. Eg: I will exude positivity and positivity will return to me. More like: Asking for anything is bad, needing things are selfish. If I am as selfless as can be, only good can come of it. SPOILER ALERT that's a crock of shit. Anything but good has come from living this narrative.

I have lived each day as if I am locked in a prison cell.
I am the prison guard, the prisoner and the warden. All of whom are keeping their eyes on me, making sure I tow the line. The slightest resistance to feeling that I deserve better/more and I am reprimanded. Whether by removing enjoyable things from my life, creating a severe depressive episode or by isolating me from anyone and everyone. I am fully prepared for when I need to be punished but I am never ready to do the opposite. To have an understanding that life is what I make it and by continuing this seemingly never ending loop, I am, each day, reinforcing that the way I think is correct and that there is no need to change it.

"I'm a black belt when I'm beating up on myself,
but I'm an expert at giving love to somebody else".
-demi lovato

My belief system has kept my world small, tiny, even. Resulting in me never striving for more. Never having goals or aspirations. I am left feeling like I don't really know who I am. Who am I without people pleasing? Who would I be if I were able to remove the unnecessary guilt that I carry with me constantly? What kind of life would I be living if I didn't always shun myself for daring to reach out my hands and ask for more? Without my guilt who the hell am I? I wish I could tell you. Stripping away all of the trauma, the programming, the laws that I force myself to live by, what could possibly be left? I feel like I cling to my guilt as if it were my best friend. It is knitted into who I am. The thought of losing a part of yourself is kinda scary - even when it is a negative part. Take one step out of your makeup routine and boy will you notice it. Take away a piece of yourself? Who knows what ramifications will occur. 

I just want to be happy. I feel like I have managed to rule out so many possible 'reasons' for my guilt but have yet to settle on the root cause. 
If I dare to ask for more for my life what will happen?
Lets see.

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖

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