Monday, 15 February 2021

Waiting for an apology that will never come

|Trigger warning.|
The following contains adult content, my experience with mental, verbal and emotional abuse, mental health struggles. Reader discretion is advised.
🌱


I spoke to him.

My ex-abuser.

I told him about that one specific time and how what he did to me would constitute sexual assault.

He looked at me blankly.

No apology.

I described what he did to me that day.

Somehow I managed to describe it without the gory details.

Giving just enough information to jog his memory.

He couldn't remember.

No apology.

All he added to the conversation was that I had freaked him out by saying that I could have reported him for what he had done.

He didn't ask how I am/how I've been dealing with it etc.

No apology.

Since what happened I have been plagued with flashbacks.

Now when I think of him it is one of the first thoughts I have.

But for him? He didn't even remember it happening.

No apology.

For months I have been in a prison. Remembering that day and many others when he would be abusive.

I'm still able to be brought to tears when thinking of that year of torment.

Him on the other hand? Doesn't even recall how he treated me.

No apology.

His life has continued on as normal.

He is still on the same path in his life.

All of his plans and relationships haven't been tainted.

He isn't looking for red flags when surrounded by others.

He's happy.

He is still the whole person he was.

His family haven't had to see him breaking down.

No apology.


There is a huge blank space within me and I feel like that part of me is still there in that hotel bathroom. Too jarred to produce tears. Feeling afraid and weak. I believe when I left the hotel room that day, I left a huge piece of me sitting there. She has been trapped there all this time. In a constant loop of not knowing what to do. Feeling used and broken. I can feel her sitting there alone. Crying. She can't find the key card to exit. Her stomach is in knots. She can see his marks on her body. She's showered but still feels incredibly filthy. Empty stomach. Mind full of dread and disgust. The guilt I feel for leaving her behind is intense. But how do I go back and rescue her only to tell her that I have continued to make the same mistakes? I imagine reaching out my hand to her and her cowering away from me. And I honestly cannot blame her. At every point I chose him over me. I put his needs first. I created a world in which I was invisible to everyone – including myself.

I have overwhelming feelings of pain and anger towards myself. After everything he put me through, it's me who I'm mad at. 

It's my apology to myself that I am waiting for. Even to this day. 

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖

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