Monday 16 October 2023

Mental Health / Consistency.

Being mentally ill/struggling with mental illness’, affects you in oh so many ways.

I remember wanting to become a full-time YouTuber – that’s what it was called back then! Now I guess it’s called a “content creator”. There were two time periods where I felt I was taking it seriously. Back in 2011-2013 when I was working from home and had quite a bit of free time. The other time was in 2018 when I was unable to work, so again, I had free time (excluding the struggles etc.).

Since beginning to work again, my productivity and mental state were suddenly thrown in that direction.

- This would later come to be a huge cost to me but that’s for another time⌚πŸ˜‰

My attention was massively occupied with work and the journey of creating content not only took a back seat but became nonexistent (as did effort with myself, self-care, recovery and overall well-being).

In the past year, I have been pestered by a question: 

I cannot for the life of me find a way to manage my mental health while producing regular content. The thought of having an upload schedule and planned posts seems completely foreign to me. Sure, I can film, write, and upload on ‘good days’ but what if those are few and far between? What if I’m having a great month and then lose steam? 

We all know that to “make it”, you must be consistent. Consistency is key. But what if you’re unable to be structured in your own mind and life let alone sitting in front of a camera on a regular basis? I lose traction. I run out of steam. The effort feels impossible when I’m struggling to get out of bed let alone have the drive to put makeup on and film.  

So, the question returns: How do they do it??? 

I guess having a dream, or a goal would create a passion. Something to cling to, to aim for. Maybe if I woke up each day thinking "My next upload will get at least 10,000 views and this year I will reach 100,000 subscribers" it would be the fire under my butt that I need? Is that how it's done? You push through the rough days and hard moments and get your creator hat on. 

I spent a lot of my life 'faking it to make it'. I don't want to -no, will not go back to doing that. So while I will probably never have the answer to my looming question, I think there's something I can try. 

Happiness. Playing some great music, watching organization/cleaning videos and dancing put me in such an amazing headspace it's crazy how something so simple could have such a great effect on me. But making the choice to put those things into action? That's the hard part. Sure, I know that if I do x, y, z I'll feel great, if I'm feeling like crap, the idea of making effort on any level feels impossible. Implementing the beginning stages is where the magic may be. Starting my day (whether at 6 a.m. or 4 p.m.) with upbeat music is pretty much guaranteed to have me in a high-vibe mood. 

Rather than trying to climb the whole mountain, maybe I can just try to start by taking the first few steps? When feeling good I have proven to myself all of the things I can accomplish and maybe, that all begins with a song?


Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

Please take care of yourself, you are so important and deserve the world πŸŒ

As always, sending you love and kickassery πŸ˜πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–

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Thursday 8 December 2022

lasting change.


Three weeks to do whatever I want with. I’ve spent them messing up my sleep pattern, being complacent with my medications, avoiding human contact, putting off spending time with myself and not really trying at anything. This is what I wanted. Leave a job that was making me unhappy and have a break between that and starting my new job. And what have I done with it? Nothing. Sure, my room is dusted, the kitchen is clean and I’m rewatching tv but in the grand scheme of things? Not a lot. I had it in my head what this time would look like – meditating, journaling, drinking more water, learning more about tarot and astrology, writing, and making content… unfortunately, this would all require me to change. Change who I am. How I work. Somehow, I thought that I would magically be transformed by having the free time. Well, guess what? That didn’t happen and I would argue that it never will occur by *magic*. I guess what I’ve learnt is that all the free time in the world can’t change me. Only I can do that by taking the steps I need to create change and bring what I feel are the adjustments I think would make me happier in my life. 


Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

Please take care of yourself, you are so important and deserve the world 🌍

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–

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Friday 28 October 2022

When is Enough, Enough?

It’s been four long years.

Weeks, no, months filled with stress. Anxiety through the roof. My mood lower than it’s been in a long time. Feeling unheard and unappreciated. Waiting for the inevitable “I’ve had enough” stage felt like a lifetime. What was finally going to do it? A full-blown breakdown? Being signed off sick again for months? Well, I truly believe that in the end, it was grief.

After losing patients that I had spent years with, I realized that there was no time, space, or room for me to grieve. Broken doesn’t even cover it. My soul, spirit and overall health were being affected. With a tornado of overwhelming emotions, I felt utterly stuck. I had hit a wall.

Sure, leaving altogether could be seen as my ever-present ‘Flight’ trauma response, but this time it felt different. As if I was somehow freeing myself from a jail cell. The secret was, I had had the key to the door all along. But I had hidden it in my pocket and buried it under the pressures of being perfect, never walking away from a fight, anxiety about letting people down, testing myself on just how far I can be pushed and worries that I’d be unable to find another job.

But you know, none of my co-workers, patients, or managers have to live my life. I believe I was waiting for someone to ‘save me’. If my manager/co-workers saw me struggling, they’d step in and offer a helping hand. Guess what? Never happened. You know why? Because it isn’t their job or place to do so. You know who’s it is? Mine.

There’s been a lot of negative things that have come out of working under these conditions for so long but there have been some positives too. Focusing on the not-so-great stuff seems to be easier to find when looking back. Isn’t it always? But while the better parts are very few and far between, they’ve been some of the most life-changing parts of my life so far!

- sounds like I’m exaggerating but I’m definitely not

Great, lasting friendships have been made, I met the love of my life and feel that after all this crap that I’ve been through (sometimes put myself through), I genuinely feel like I know myself on a deeper level now. It may sound clichΓ©, but without the bad, I wouldn’t have found the amazing.

And all those pressures I was putting myself under? Well, there’s no such thing as perfect. Some fights aren’t for me to put myself through. Worrying about letting people down? That’s going to happen in life, I can’t be everything to everyone. What happens when I test my limits to being pushed in a negative capacity? I break, just like I’m sure anyone else would. Being concerned about being able to find another job was a process for sure but, I had an interview and was offered the position on the spot! 😏

Even though I am sharing this with you, that doesn’t mean I have managed to accept all of it. As with anything, it’s one hell of a process. The grief hasn’t gone away. Just because I may be leaving, that doesn’t mean my acceptance and healing journey stops. Like most things, the traumas, and difficulties I have faced will follow me until I am able to work through them. But that takes time. Time that I am willing to give it. 


Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

Please take care of yourself, you are so important and deserve the world 🌍

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–

 •    INSTAGRAM  •    TWITTER    •    YOUTUBE  •    FACEBOOK  •    PINTEREST  •    TUMBLR  •    TIKTOK  •

Tuesday 13 September 2022

Eight Years On.

|Trigger warning.|

The following contains adult content, adult language, my experience with physical, mental, verbal, and emotional abuse, and mental health struggles. Reader discretion is advised.


It’s been over for 8 years. And only this past weekend did I realize what actually happened during and maybe most importantly, in the aftermath.

During the relationship, I was so secretive. I didn’t let on to anybody what it was like living in that house. The hell that was daily life. I knew deep down that if my family knew what I was going through, they would have pulled up, packed my shit, and brought me home.

- this being one of the first acknowledgements of my abusive relationship with myself -__-

Each day was unpredictable in the worst way. Anger, outbursts, and verbal, mental and emotional abuse from both of them. I was living with a grenade surrounded by land mines.

When it ended, my family now in the loop, I was unable to have anyone talk badly about them. I couldn’t accept hearing the truth. It wasn’t the truth for me.

It took me *literal* years to move on. Even when I was eventually able to accept the reality of the situation. I could never understand why.

It was only this past weekend that it hit me. Trauma bond.

The repeated abuse, the daily depreciation and feeling unable to let go had me completely stuck in a loop.

This had honestly never occurred to me. Back then, I had never even heard of trauma bonding but now I am aware, it makes so much sense.

I’m now travelling down a rabbit hole of healing and accepting that I did what I could given the circumstances at the time. And that’s okay. 

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

Please take care of yourself, you are so important and deserve the world 🌍

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–


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Friday 2 September 2022

Swapping One Abuser For Another

|Trigger warning.|

The following contains

adult content, my experience with mental, verbal and emotional abuse, substance abuse, and mental health struggles.

Reader discretion is advised.


I’ve replaced one form of abuse with another.

For the first time in my adult life, I am free. Totally and completely free. I was caged in for so long but now, the cage door is open, and I can leave without any worry of consequences. What a concept!

Since I turned 18, I have been in abusive relationships. They may differ in their type, but they have been abusive nonetheless. Since I ended my last abusive relationship, I have had time to myself, have found a loving partner and generally have the freedom to do whatever my heart desires. But that hasn’t happened.

It may sound ~sick~ but the unhealed, traumatized parts of me, miss the abuse. Maybe that’s too honest, but it’s my truth (and it may be something you need to hear).

So now I have created my own cage.

I began smoking. For obvious reasons, it’s terrible for my health but the potential effects on the MS? Nah.

It’s been going on for so long now that it is a full-blown addiction

- lol. not lol at all

Now I find myself in quite the predicament :

Care about myself enough to make an effort to quit smoking. Resulting in better health and slowing the progression of MS.

Care about myself enough to cut out a form of self-inflicted abuse.

So basically, it’s the same old problem = lack of self-care/worth/love.

Unfortunately, this post doesn’t hold the answers (I wish). But I am hoping that in addressing the issue, I cannot continue mentally ignoring it. 

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–

 •    INSTAGRAM  •    TWITTER    •    YOUTUBE  •    FACEBOOK  •    PINTEREST  •    TUMBLR  •    TIKTOK  •