Friday, 28 October 2022

When is Enough, Enough?

It’s been four long years.

Weeks, no, months filled with stress. Anxiety through the roof. My mood lower than it’s been in a long time. Feeling unheard and unappreciated. Waiting for the inevitable “I’ve had enough” stage felt like a lifetime. What was finally going to do it? A full-blown breakdown? Being signed off sick again for months? Well, I truly believe that in the end, it was grief.

After losing patients that I had spent years with, I realized that there was no time, space, or room for me to grieve. Broken doesn’t even cover it. My soul, spirit and overall health were being affected. With a tornado of overwhelming emotions, I felt utterly stuck. I had hit a wall.

Sure, leaving altogether could be seen as my ever-present ‘Flight’ trauma response, but this time it felt different. As if I was somehow freeing myself from a jail cell. The secret was, I had had the key to the door all along. But I had hidden it in my pocket and buried it under the pressures of being perfect, never walking away from a fight, anxiety about letting people down, testing myself on just how far I can be pushed and worries that I’d be unable to find another job.

But you know, none of my co-workers, patients, or managers have to live my life. I believe I was waiting for someone to ‘save me’. If my manager/co-workers saw me struggling, they’d step in and offer a helping hand. Guess what? Never happened. You know why? Because it isn’t their job or place to do so. You know who’s it is? Mine.

There’s been a lot of negative things that have come out of working under these conditions for so long but there have been some positives too. Focusing on the not-so-great stuff seems to be easier to find when looking back. Isn’t it always? But while the better parts are very few and far between, they’ve been some of the most life-changing parts of my life so far!

- sounds like I’m exaggerating but I’m definitely not

Great, lasting friendships have been made, I met the love of my life and feel that after all this crap that I’ve been through (sometimes put myself through), I genuinely feel like I know myself on a deeper level now. It may sound clichΓ©, but without the bad, I wouldn’t have found the amazing.

And all those pressures I was putting myself under? Well, there’s no such thing as perfect. Some fights aren’t for me to put myself through. Worrying about letting people down? That’s going to happen in life, I can’t be everything to everyone. What happens when I test my limits to being pushed in a negative capacity? I break, just like I’m sure anyone else would. Being concerned about being able to find another job was a process for sure but, I had an interview and was offered the position on the spot! 😏

Even though I am sharing this with you, that doesn’t mean I have managed to accept all of it. As with anything, it’s one hell of a process. The grief hasn’t gone away. Just because I may be leaving, that doesn’t mean my acceptance and healing journey stops. Like most things, the traumas, and difficulties I have faced will follow me until I am able to work through them. But that takes time. Time that I am willing to give it. 

🌸

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

Please take care of yourself, you are so important and deserve the world 🌍

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–

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Tuesday, 13 September 2022

Eight Years On.

|Trigger warning.|

The following contains adult content, adult language, my experience with physical, mental, verbal, and emotional abuse, and mental health struggles. Reader discretion is advised.

🌱

It’s been over for 8 years. And only this past weekend did I realize what actually happened during and maybe most importantly, in the aftermath.

During the relationship, I was so secretive. I didn’t let on to anybody what it was like living in that house. The hell that was daily life. I knew deep down that if my family knew what I was going through, they would have pulled up, packed my shit, and brought me home.

- this being one of the first acknowledgements of my abusive relationship with myself -__-

Each day was unpredictable in the worst way. Anger, outbursts, and verbal, mental and emotional abuse from both of them. I was living with a grenade surrounded by land mines.

When it ended, my family now in the loop, I was unable to have anyone talk badly about them. I couldn’t accept hearing the truth. It wasn’t the truth for me.

It took me *literal* years to move on. Even when I was eventually able to accept the reality of the situation. I could never understand why.

It was only this past weekend that it hit me. Trauma bond.

The repeated abuse, the daily depreciation and feeling unable to let go had me completely stuck in a loop.

This had honestly never occurred to me. Back then, I had never even heard of trauma bonding but now I am aware, it makes so much sense.

I’m now travelling down a rabbit hole of healing and accepting that I did what I could given the circumstances at the time. And that’s okay. 


Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

Please take care of yourself, you are so important and deserve the world 🌍

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–

 

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https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can...

 

Friday, 2 September 2022

Swapping One Abuser For Another

|Trigger warning.|

The following contains

adult content, my experience with mental, verbal and emotional abuse, substance abuse, and mental health struggles.

Reader discretion is advised.

🌱

I’ve replaced one form of abuse with another.

For the first time in my adult life, I am free. Totally and completely free. I was caged in for so long but now, the cage door is open, and I can leave without any worry of consequences. What a concept!

Since I turned 18, I have been in abusive relationships. They may differ in their type, but they have been abusive nonetheless. Since I ended my last abusive relationship, I have had time to myself, have found a loving partner and generally have the freedom to do whatever my heart desires. But that hasn’t happened.

It may sound ~sick~ but the unhealed, traumatized parts of me, miss the abuse. Maybe that’s too honest, but it’s my truth (and it may be something you need to hear).

So now I have created my own cage.

I began smoking. For obvious reasons, it’s terrible for my health but the potential effects on the MS? Nah.

It’s been going on for so long now that it is a full-blown addiction

- lol. not lol at all

Now I find myself in quite the predicament :

Care about myself enough to make an effort to quit smoking. Resulting in better health and slowing the progression of MS.

Care about myself enough to cut out a form of self-inflicted abuse.

So basically, it’s the same old problem = lack of self-care/worth/love.

Unfortunately, this post doesn’t hold the answers (I wish). But I am hoping that in addressing the issue, I cannot continue mentally ignoring it. 


Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–

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https://checkpointorg.com/global/

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can...

Wednesday, 27 July 2022

Why Don't You Love Me?

You don’t have to treat me poorly as others have. You don’t need to disregard me as if I am unimportant. I am here for every beat of your heart, every thought you have, every breath entering your lungs. I’ve been there for every heartbreak and all the beautiful times. I’ve felt your tears roll down your cheeks, your mouth aching from so much smiling. I am your vessel, and I am asking you why? Why won't you turn your giving, kind, loving nature inward? What’s the use of doling it out when it leaves nothing left for yourself? We’ve begged for crumbs from others but now I am begging you for so much more. I want more. I know you’re perfectly capable of giving, now please, give it to yourself. I’m so sick of waking up and living the same day every day thinking, that tomorrow will be the day I make the change. Out of the 15ish years of feeling like this, that has happened on zero days. I will go to the end of the earth for anyone else, please, it’s time to do it for us.

 

With love,

Your inner self (little you, your soul, your highest self and all the love and light within us)

xoxoπŸ’Ÿ




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Friday, 24 June 2022

Comparison.

My last public post was on January 29th this year. If that doesn't show the headspace I've been in I don't know what does.

At the end of last year, I was getting up early every work day to have enough time to meditate, script, stretch my body and dance. Looking back, I don't really recognise the person I was nor the mental space I was in. I was motivated to wake up early before a 12-hour shift, four times a week just to have this little routine. My mind was different on the days I did this compared to the days I had skipped it. Believe me, I wasn't all 'love and light, peace and butterflies' on the days that I had carried out my routine, but I just felt different. Calmer maybe? My tarot and Oracle decks were being used regularly. After every shift, my partner and I would sage each other after our showers. 

I mean I can go on and on about the me of then compared to the me of today, in a way, shaming myself. Comparison can be effective, sure, but when it comes to someone who struggles with their mental health, life issues, work bullshit and just generally being an adult in 2022, comparison can be your arch-nemesis. Being on a growth journey is notoriously tricky.  You've seen the memes right?? Growth isn't linear. It has its ups, downs and static moments. That's part and parcel of it all. Sometimes you go backwards, which can be incredibly heartbreaking and discouraging. You've come this far just to return a few steps back or to where you started. Trying to be the person I was when I look back and think 'this was when I was at my peak' is useless. I'm not that person anymore. We've been through so much shit, trauma and heartache since then. We've evolved - whether we acknowledge that or not. Maybe a tweak is necessary? Finding what works for the me of today


Learning to care for myself, you know be a little kinder and understanding. Not compare myself to them, Kim Kardashian or even myself. Living in this world where you get to see the highlight reel of everybody's life is exhausting. Checking in with myself each day may be something more achievable to work towards a realistic expectation of my life. Who knows, one day I may be doing a very similar morning routine to what I used to do. But for now? It's too far away. And that's okay.

POV : I didn't plan this post. Getting out my laptop to go on Pinterest and ignore myself and my thoughts is a frequent occurrence. But I opened up my notepad and began typing. 

...

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–

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