It’s been four long years.
Weeks, no, months filled with stress. Anxiety through
the roof. My mood lower than it’s been in a long time. Feeling unheard and
unappreciated. Waiting for the inevitable “I’ve had enough” stage felt like a
lifetime. What was finally going to do it? A full-blown breakdown? Being
signed off sick again for months? Well, I truly believe that in the end, it was
grief.
After losing patients that I had spent years with, I
realized that there was no time, space, or room for me to grieve. Broken doesn’t
even cover it. My soul, spirit and overall health were being affected. With a tornado
of overwhelming emotions, I felt utterly stuck. I had hit a wall.
Sure, leaving altogether could be seen as my ever-present ‘Flight’ trauma response, but this time it felt different. As if I was
somehow freeing myself from a jail cell. The secret was, I had had the key to
the door all along. But I had hidden it in my pocket and buried it under the
pressures of being perfect, never walking away from a fight, anxiety about letting
people down, testing myself on just how far I can be pushed and worries that I’d
be unable to find another job.
But you know, none of my co-workers, patients, or
managers have to live my life. I believe I was waiting for someone to ‘save me’.
If my manager/co-workers saw me struggling, they’d step in and offer a helping
hand. Guess what? Never happened. You know why? Because it isn’t their job or
place to do so. You know who’s it is? Mine.
There’s been a lot of negative things that have come
out of working under these conditions for so long but there have been some
positives too. Focusing on the not-so-great stuff seems to be easier to find
when looking back. Isn’t it always? But while the better parts are very few and
far between, they’ve been some of the most life-changing parts of my life so
far!
- sounds like I’m exaggerating but I’m definitely not
Great, lasting friendships have been made, I met the
love of my life and feel that after all this crap that I’ve been through (sometimes
put myself through), I genuinely feel like I know myself on a deeper level now.
It may sound cliché, but without the bad, I wouldn’t have found the amazing.
And all those pressures I was putting myself under?
Well, there’s no such thing as perfect. Some fights aren’t for me to put myself
through. Worrying about letting people down? That’s going to happen in life, I
can’t be everything to everyone. What happens when I test my limits to being pushed
in a negative capacity? I break, just like I’m sure anyone else would. Being
concerned about being able to find another job was a process for sure but, I
had an interview and was offered the position on the spot! 😏
Even though I am sharing this with you, that doesn’t
mean I have managed to accept all of it. As with anything, it’s one hell of a
process. The grief hasn’t gone away. Just because I may be leaving, that doesn’t
mean my acceptance and healing journey stops. Like most things, the traumas,
and difficulties I have faced will follow me until I am able to work through
them. But that takes time. Time that I am willing to give it.
🌸
Thank you for
stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo
Please take care of
yourself, you are so important and deserve the world 🌍
As always, sending
you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖
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