Saturday, 29 January 2022

Pick me.

It may sound silly, ridiculous even, but I am embarking on a journey of choosing myself. 

To date, I always put my self-neglect down to - not having the time, too busy focusing on this person or this person or work etc., too busy worrying about everyone else. 

But those people I was hyper fixated on looking after and protecting for all that time? They're doing just fine without me hovering over them and making sure they're happy. 

I have always thought that I 'always put everyone else first' and while that was painfully true for large chunks of my life, it isn't anymore. In spite of that being a massive achievement, I have come to realize that, yes, I am no longer putting others first (to the degree I was) but I haven't replaced it with anything. Eg: Me. 

I have just been wandering around aimlessly. Living without another person being my purpose is completely foreign to me. 

It's almost as if at every turn of my life when the option of picking myself was available, I have found any and every other reason not to. I have crammed people into the first place in my life - without them even asking(!?!) - leaving me behind. 

I have started implementing healthier choices in my life. Ones that solely benefit me. It feels icky, triggering and completely alien to me. I am really uncomfortable but, I need this. My soul is calling me. It feels like it has been for a long, long time. And I cannot ignore it anymore. 

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–


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Monday, 24 January 2022

Sick of my own B.S

I'm so sick of writing about having enough of my own bullshit without making any changes. 

I looked back at my old posts, my old YouTube videos, journal entries and guess what? I am the same fucking person.

Sure, I've grown. I've faced unthinkable trauma, fought through difficulties, shed my skin in many ways but, I'm still her.

Still not taking action in my life. Still not thinking about what I want from my life. Still not practising self-love/care. Still complaining about the condition of my life. Still going through each day on autopilot.  

All the while, doing nothing to improve my circumstances. 

In the last two years, I have removed myself from an abusive relationship (which was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do). I thought after that, that I would be able to return to myself. Meaning that inspiration, motivation and self-care would follow. None of this came to fruition. 

It seems as though nothing can yank me out of it. 

Even choosing myself in leaving that relationship wasn't enough to bring me back. To bring me back to life. 

It has gotten to the point where I am so miserable with myself that I have even Googled how to 'fix' myself πŸ˜”

Part of the issue I have come to learn about is my fear of failure. Which is pretty self-explanatory.

Don't try = don't fail. 

The other part is familiarity. I know what not making effort is like.

I know what living my life as unassuming as possible is like vs fear of the unknown. 

Like many people, I have been burnt. People and situations haven't turned out as I would have hoped. People have left me. Jobs have been crap. I've been used and discarded when I have no further purpose for people. Taking these things into account, I can understand my hesitation when thinking about bettering my life. What if I fuck it up? What if people don't like me?...

When it comes to other people, I give 1000%. At work, I am completely focused on who I am looking after that I, at times, forget to have a drop of water myself. I wish I wish, I wish I could focus that kind of positive attention on myself. Sure, I can hone in on my negatives. The things that make me a bad person, a bitch etc. But love for myself? Zero. 

And, hand on my heart, I feel like I have written/spoken about countless times.

It's like the worst groundhog day  e v e r

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

- Albert Einstein

No. I'm not saying that I'm insane. But the thought causes me to pause. 

Not trying, being goal-less, remaining on auto-pilot has given me my current and past experience(s) of life. Resulting in me feeling fairly miserable, to be honest. I have a great family, a wonderful girlfriend, friends, a job, a roof over my head, a fridge full of food and for all of those things I am wholeheartedly grateful but I truly believe that while I am unhappy with myself, I cannot be happy in all aspects of my life. 

I think being sick of my own bullshit isn't the way forward (it's done nothing for me so far!). I think I need to be accepting. To be understanding that this is what I have known how to do. And while that has caused me pain, it has potentially protected me and was who I have needed to be thus far. But perhaps I can let that part of me go now. Being hypervigilant, deeply self-critical and the thing that stands in my own way has served its purpose. 

Old ways won't open new doors. 

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–

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Wednesday, 12 January 2022

What happens when you achieve your dream?

In 2018 after months and months of hard work, pain, and tears - oh so many tears - I beat back OCD to the point where I felt capable to reach for my dream. I applied for a job and I got it. I was flooded with elation. After being trapped at home for four long, painful years, unemployed and imprisoned by my mental illness, I had been able to achieve a dream that had kept me driven for so long. 

So what happens when the goal is achieved? Well, it's three years later, still at that job and feeling unmotivated and backsliding. As someone who strives for perfection and is plagued by the need to be accepted by others, it is very difficult for me to feel even a little bit happy while at work. I hold myself to a very high standard so when I don't meet them, I chastise and punish myself. I do the same when I don't meet others' expectations. It's a very vicious cycle - believing I have the ability to provide 100% all of the time to everyone is not only unrealistic but is also damaging to my mental health. It's also crushing my spirit.

The feeling of achievement slipped away some time ago. 

Within the first three months of working, I reduced my hours and was feeling unhappy. I had managed to film two videos in that time and was grossly disappointed with myself. My mental health was already deteriorating and I had begun to fall back into old patterns. By my fourth month working, I was involved in an abusive relationship which had me keeping secrets and behaving in ways that didn't align with myself. The combination of the "relationship" and work had me in a downward spiral in all aspects of my life. 

I looked for pictures of myself during this time but there aren't any.

That speaks volumes to me.

At work I feel unappreciated and like my efforts are somewhat pointless. Unfortunately, that has seeped into my personal life. I have been completely unmotivated in all aspects of my life and feel as though I am on some kind of un-energetic auto-pilot. I feel that since I have been working I have come to the realization that perfection isn't possible. And rather than that being something positive, something freeing, it has been the thing that hurts me. If I can't have perfect mental health, what's the point? If I can't be praised for the hard work I do, what's the point? If others won't appreciate me, what's the point? My need to be accepted by everyone masks the fact that I am unwilling to accept myself. I search for acceptance from others as I find it too difficult and in some ways selfish, to focus on myself. 

Before I started my job I was the closest I have ever been with myself. 

This picture is from June 2018. Look at her 😒

My relationship with myself was blossoming. I was becoming aware of my emotions, accepting of my difficulties, and fighting for my dreams and goals. My recovery was my main focus. When I started working, I lost a lot of time due to the shifts which was the first bump along the road to my unravelling. On my days off I was/am absolutely exhausted and had/have zero energy to do anything. Over time the person I was in 2018 - pre-work me - was a very distant memory. I remember one day angrily thinking "I can't have it all!". I signed up for my dream, my dream was to have it all. The job, the great relationship with myself, good mental health, money, free time, hobbies, and continuing with my writing and YouTube channel. In truth, out of that list, I can't really tick any of them as done. 

By pushing myself to over-extend when it comes to others, I have paid the ultimate price - My relationship with myself. In needing others' constant approval, it shows me that I have returned to a point where I no longer accept myself. As a result, my need for others' validation is pretty much a constant craving. 

While quitting my job sounds delightful and I can pack my rucksack in a heartbeat... It's just not feasible (for obvious and not so obvious reason). So what can I do? 

Well, I'm trying to make incrimentle changes. I am taking my breaks. I do with those what I like - writing, editing, watching Netflix, hanging out with my girlfriend... WhateverπŸ‘IπŸ‘likeπŸ‘. I have started to wake up a little earlier on work mornings. Giving me enough time to wake up slowly, make a cup of tea and chat to my girlfriend. I have also started meditating, stretching and dancing in the morning (real talk - I haven't done this routine since just before Christmas but going to be changing that very soon!). On some days off when I am feeling like shit, I am trying any way. I get glam, take pictures, film a video etc. I am trying not to hold everyone else's opinion higher than my own when it comes to myself and my life. That is a really hard one, but I'm trying. 

I am trying to learn from the past version of me who wanted it all and made it happen. She was amazing. 

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–

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Monday, 6 December 2021

All this sacrifice and for what? | steps to healing

In a conversation with a co-worker, they mentioned how other people at work like me. Which they then corrected to "most people". 

For the rest of the chat, all my mind was fixated on was the fact that not everyone likes me. It made me feel sad to think that there are people around me that don't like me. I started thinking - why not? what's wrong with me? what did I do wrong? I bend over backwards for others. Often ignoring my own needs to make sure they have a good day so what more can I do?! Round and round the spiralling went. When the conversation was over, I thought "I don't like every single person I know so..." which then lead to me criticising myself for being a 'mean person' for not liking every single person 100%. 

But why did I take it so personally? While I am a flawed and unperfect person taking such things so personally is a daily occurrence for me. And this is - as I'm sure you can imagine - painful and exhausting. In the back of my mind I have always had a thought that if you do good, you are owed good. It started from a young age as - Treat others the way you wish to be treated - but it then morphed into some kind of self-torture. Where, if I am not exhausting myself, neglecting myself or making sure everyone is happy other than myself, then I am a bad person. 

How can a good person be gifted with good things? Where is the penance? 

I have wanted to know for so long why I am the way that I am. That’s a pretty vague way of putting it but in truth, I have struggled my whole life with thinking the way I do, and I’ve never known why. Logic dictates that if you’re repeating a behaviour/thinking style that is having an undesirable effect on you and your life, you change it. But try as I might I’ve never been able to get to the root issue.

Heaven’s reward fallacy.

"The "Heaven's Reward Fallacy"
manifests as a belief that one's struggles,
one's suffering, and one's hard work will
result in a just reward."

What is it? In basic terms, it is a cognitive distortion. And a cognitive distortion is – "Research suggests that people develop cognitive distortions as a way of coping with adverse events. The more prolonged and severe those adverse events are, the more likely it is that one or more cognitive distortions will form." While I do suffer from other cognitive distortions, Heaven’s reward fallacy is definitely the one that affects my life the most – and not in a good way. I had an amazing childhood. I felt loved and had all the makings of what a child loves. However, I was witness to another person's inner struggles and suffering. While living with poor mental health is difficult, seeing someone you love more than anything go through it feels so much worse when you are a child. Things I heard and saw affect me to this day. It was traumatic and the healing is ongoing. I began to take it personally if I weren't able to pull them out of their dark times. I would feel failure when I did everything I could possibly think of to show that person love and to see it solve nothing. I think this was the beginning of a belief system starting: Give 100% to everyone around me and don't focus on myself. That's what 'good' people do. 

"Heaven's reward fallacy -
expecting all sacrifice and self-denial to pay off,
as if there were someone keeping score,
and feeling disappointed and even bitter
when the reward does not come"
- Beck 1976

Sacrifice and self-denial are old companions of mine. They have been with me for as long as I can remember. Even as a child I would struggle with thoughts that if I do x, y and z, then that means I am a good person. I have always felt the need to seek out the 'proof'. When I have been in abusive relationships there was always an undercurrent of me feeling like if I endured all this pain, something amazing will come my way. If I am still kind, understanding and loving to people who treat me like shit, then that proves that I am a good person and therefore will be rewarded positively in some way. How dangerous. In all seriousness, I have tolerated such disgusting behaviour from people just to confirm to myself that I am in fact a good person. 

Before knowing about Heaven's Reward Fallacy, there was a part of me that felt it was religious in nature. I grew up feeling that I was drawn to Christianity and would carry that out in the form of prayer, repentance and stringent ruling. Around the age of 27-29, I became less drawn to Christianity. I'm not sure why, but it just seemed distant to me now. That was followed by guilt and shame as I believed that I couldn't be a 'good person' without a God or religion in my life. I now realise that this was because I felt I needed someone/something to hold me accountable. To judge my actions, lack of and even my thoughts. To keep a scoreboard. There are things I have done/said and afterwards, I think: "why the hell did I do that?!??" or "how could I have done that??!?". And I think that comes down to 1) my lack of connection with myself and/or a higher being and 2) not to seem like I'm playing the blame game but, Heaven's Reward Fallacy had skewed my view on absolutely everything that I have had no freedom to be just a 'normal', flawed human being. 

"No amount of self-improvement
can make up for any lack of self-acceptance"
- @antiloneliness

I have given so much of myself away for a belief that doesn't even sit right with me. 
In truth, I don't give to receive and I don't expect others to go above and beyond for me. Doing the best you can, trying to be a good person is enough, surely? And to be honest, wouldn't we say that if someone is striving to be their best self, isn't that reward enough? They can look at themselves in the mirror and feel pride and happiness in the knowledge that they are the person they want to be. As people, we aren't perfect - far from it! and that is okay. It is something that I find very hard to accept. I hold myself to an excruciatingly high standard where perfection is achievable and what I allow as the bare minimum. Heaven's reward fallacy has made me my own worst enemy. Making me believe that my good enough, isn't good enough. 

I feel that I really need to allow myself the awareness and understanding that trying is more than enough. Nothing and no one is perfect and doing my best is perfectly acceptable. I can only imagine what my life would look like if it weren't controlled by guilt, shame and punishment but having spent my whole life up until this point living this way, I feel I owe myself the opportunity to live life minus the obsessive belief that I don't deserve any good in my life without massive self-neglect. 

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–


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Monday, 29 November 2021

All I ever wanted...

In recent years I have noticed just how codependent I have been in my relationships.
In each relationship that I have been in, whether they are serious or what some may call a "situationship", I have put 110% of myself into them. I'd remember all of the little details, try my best to make their lives as easy as possible, do pretty much whatever they wanted in the bedroom and just basically have them as my every waking thought. I made another person my 
e v e r y t h i n g. The reason I got up in the morning, the reason I would go to work. Why I would make the choices I made, have the opinions I had. I moulded myself into whatever they required and was happy to do it.

"Codependency: excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner,
typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction."
- Google

So when a relationship would end I was left with this grand canyon size hole in my life. I'd look around and didn't even recognise myself. I felt completely lost and lonely. It may sound cliche but you are who you are spending forever with and throwing yourself away for another person once, twice, a million times just leaves you broken and empty whether the relationship ends or not. Because, believe me, even when it lasts, that doesn't necessarily mean it's good. Subjecting yourself to the pain and maintaining a relationship where you are used and, quite possibly, abused is something that should never be an option. BUT. As someone who has been there and is still learning from the physical and non-physical wounds, I feel your struggle to my very core. 
Alongside not being able to recognise who I was anymore and having abandoned myself on every level the loneliness went deeper than that. I think on some level I felt that if I were connected to my 'faith' I wouldn't have been able to continue doing the stuff that I was doing. For example, I felt I was unable to pray because I was ashamed of my actions and also didn't want to fully address or acknowledge the behaviour I was acting upon... Especially to a higher being/beings that only want what's best for me(?!)

"I truly think codependency is the result of
not having a solid relationship with God.
The more codependent my relationships were, the more weak my connection/relationship with God was.
Hence I was making another person my "god"."
- @nu_mindframe

Every time I was thrown away, discarded by someone who was my very being, on a soul level I was left feeling incredibly secluded. And it is completely your prerogative whether you believe in a God or the universe, spirit, angels, guides, source or anything - For me, I truly believe that when you make another person more important than yourself, you are distancing yourself from your connection to who you are and in effect, your guide(s). My faith has changed as I have aged which I think is natural, but every time I have hit that lowest of low it is my need for connection that hurts the most. And not in the sense of a hug, or a coffee chat with a friend. A deep, meaningful, warm ally. 
Growing up I believed in God and Jesus. I never went to church and it was only my father who had his faith while my mother felt she was agnostic. Religion was something that was never forced upon me, I was given the room to believe in what I felt drawn to. During the hardest times in my life, I was pulled to pray, the act of saying aloud what I was struggling with and asking for help felt therapeutic. When my life fell apart, subconsciously my faith drifted further and further away from me. It wasn't that I was blaming God, it's just that I think my faith in anything disappeared.  

"What kills a soul?
Exhaustion, secret-keeping, image management.
And what brings a soul back from the dead?
Honesty, connection, grace."
- Shauna Niequist

Then one day way back in 2017 (pre-work, pre-mental breakdown...pre-2020 if you can imagine that) I just started looking up my star sign. At that time I was a Capricorn full stop. Then I started learning about natal charts and that there was more than just your 'star sign'. It was like I had just entered wonderland. My eyes had been opened to a whole world of acceptance. Where I had a sign for my sun, a friggin moon sign and whatever the hell a stellium is?! I wanted more. I'm still learning about my own natal chart, what my Mercury sign means for me and whether I'm more drawn to Tropical or Sidereal astrology BUT. I find such comfort in all of it. I then got into tarot, spirituality and crystals. 
-let me tell ya, it was one slippery slope πŸ˜…
The feeling that someone/something believes in me - especially when I have no belief in myself - fills me with such comfort. To be honest with you, I'm not my biggest fan so I need all the hype crew I can get. Finding myself connecting with the Universe, angels, guides, God, spirit felt incredibly soothing. All I have ever wanted was connection. I always thought that that would be with another person i.e a romantic relationship, but I've come to understand that while that is wonderful, what I was in desperate need for was a relationship with something bigger than myself. Having a feeling of safety, assurance and comfort. Feeling as though I am loved and cared for no matter what, that there is a plan for me and that I'm not just here to simply exist has really filled a huge gap in my life. 

I've noticed that when I distance myself from, well, myself, I am blinkered in some ways. I find angel numbers to be scarce and reaching for my tarot cards or reading my month ahead interpretations become nearly non-existent. When I am not looking inward I feel like a danger to myself. I am reckless with my actions, careless with my emotions and well and truly don't give a damn about myself.  As sick and warped as it sounds, at these times I miss having someone controlling me. Ordering me to do whatever they want, telling me how to do absolutely everything. I feel aimless and unable to simply live my life. I would say that this year I have really begun to step into my faith. Believe me, I am in the first, wobbly, baby steps, but at least I am on the journey. Now when I think about all I've been through, and the lessons I have learnt, I am able to find some comfort in my confidence that I am being watched over lovingly. 

It has taken a great deal for me to get to where I am now. And I feel that I can look back now and see that I was never really alone. 

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–

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