Sunday 3 March 2024

looking within

Hello and welcome!💜
Today I'm tackling a tricky subject: Motivation
Let's get into it...

You can't always be motivated and energised. Well, I certainly can't. 
I get short bursts where I get in the mood to "sort my life out" but it always seems to fade away as quickly as it came. 
- btw, why do the bursts always seem to happen in the middle of the night? 😕😂
And it's never just a little at a time. It's always 'I must take these 10 steps to achieve anything worthwhile'. And you know what? That's fucking exhausting and an impossible feat to maintain. It feels like me saying I will wake up tomorrow a completely different person than who I am right now. Somebody who has their shit together. All evidence to the contrary. 
For most things in life, you gotta work for it. Money, love, health, friendships. Why should my relationship with myself be any different? 🤔

You may or may not know, but I am a self-proclaimed people-pleaser. 
- thanks trauma ✌😒
It has cost me a lot and it continues to do so. I thought that once I was self-aware, it was something that would stop. But that takes work too! Unlearning unhealthy behaviours is fucking hard but I've had a taste of when it works, and boy is it worth it. 
All this is to say: Going above and beyond for others? Easy peasy. Going above and beyond (or even just plain trying) for myself? Nahh. 
- i'm a hype girl for everyone but myself 😑
Finding the energy and will to just look after myself is a nightmare. It truly doesn't feel worth it. 

But those times when it does happen? It legit feels like heaven on earth.
It takes every muscle in my body, every thought in my head and attempting to make choices that go against everything I've been taught to believe in to just look after me. Throughout my life, I've been faced with relationships that have made me question my worth, each and every time leaving me believing that I am unimportant and don't matter at all. I wish I could say that that's all behind me now, but unfortunately, it's something I carry with me every day. When people who you love and you believe love you, not only treat you like you don't matter but also convince you that you shouldn't feel you matter, sadly, you really start to believe it. 

It's completely draining to do the work towards looking after myself, but oh so worth it. 

After three night shifts, I woke up with a day ahead of me.
My grandparents were going to be visiting and normally that would fill me with no energy in the lead-up. As if my day was jam-packed and I was already assuming that I would end up overwhelmed and exhausted.
But this day? This day I woke up and had a desire to get the most out of my day. I made myself a coffee, cleaned the kitchen and then took my time applying my skincare and makeup. 

I filmed myself getting ready so that I can post it on my YouTube channel (my first video in 10 months!!) and I even filmed a short video of a 'pep talk' 😌
I felt so alive

But... How did I do it??

What I realised was that what I needed was a little ~push~.
Not a forceful body slam, an RKO out of nowhere or yeeting myself towards things that I don't feel up to doing.
Just a very tender, gentle nudge. 
From a place of care, love and patience.
Best believe this was so unnatural to me. Being nice to myself is so rare that I don't trust it. I'm used to being ignored and forgotten about not being built up and encouraged. (i'm not looking for pity, i'm just keeping it real 💙)

I think 'motivation' is a bit of a buzzword these days. But I believe you can't necessarily achieve the level of motivation you're looking for unless you try to address the reason why you're not acting on your feelings. In doing so, I have learnt that at this stage of my recovery, I need to work on my self-trust. Inner me remembers every time my feelings and actions put in us painful situations. I've had to listen to broken promises to myself more times than I can count, what makes this one any different?
-whew 😶
How can I expect myself to make 'better choices' for life when I don't trust myself?
It may sound obvious but I only managed to achieve this level of inner knowledge by sitting with myself and asking myself "Why?" to things that make me uncomfortable. Learning to sit in the discomfort is super difficult, but again, so worth it. 

It may sound cliche, but you are your longest relationship. You are with you from day 1 to day ?. You can't expect yourself to feel satisfied with your life if you're not living it in a way that fills you up and brings you peace and joy.
I guess my takeaway is this: Look within. The answers may be there waiting to be found 💗


Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

Please take care of yourself, you are so important and deserve the world 🌍

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖

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