Sunday, 3 February 2019

my biggest relapse>>my biggest breakthrough

Staring at a blank page. There's so much I could write. Like how I got signed off work, how I've never felt so low, how I had the worse relapse to date and how I almost completely lost myself.
Or
I could tell you about what I learned from it all... And that's what I'm gonna do.
Too often I dwell on the negative. I let it control my feeling towards a situation and then completely take over - usually resulting in me relapsing. But this time feels a little different. While being in the dark scares me beyond belief, when I was in it, I understood that it wasn't going to last forever.

There has always been a part of me, a part of my mind that seemed to be out to 'get me'. Any time I would evolve or start feeling good it would tear me down. It created a feeling of hate in me. I despised that part of my brain that was constantly betting on me to lose. If I was feeling motivated and positive it knew all the tricks to bring me down. I was resentful. I dreamed of how far I would be if only that part didn't exist.
This part wasn't small either! My brother suggested it was like the relationship between Golem and Smeagle. A very nasty voice that would engulf me in darkness and make me believe that I was all alone.

Over the last few days or so I have been feeling more myself. Clearer. Calmer. Happier. I've been trying to lift myself out of the place I've been for the last 2 months. I always get to this point but the darkness, that part of my mind, always comes back and takes control - or rather, I let it.
I was having a pretty standard day today and while doing something that required no brain power, my mind wandered. And all of a sudden it came to me.
What I realized was that the part of me that I have always blamed for dragging me back, loves me and is scared. I think it is trying to protect me.

Cards on the table, last night I just finished watching something and it sparked a tremendous thought process in me.
Part of the story line was the mother wants to protect her children from the dark world and in doing so attempts to do the unthinkable. She loves them more than anything and just wants them to be safe. (I'm not condoning this behaviour in the slightest, it just allowed me to have an insight into my own thinking)
It hit me on so many levels. It also made me think. In doing so I made a connection between what I had seen and my relationship with myself.

I think part of me will always think back to my lowest points. Where I was unable to go out, didn't leave my room for months, restricted any and all socializing I had. I think of those times often and I think when I improve or step towards a healthy future, that part of me reminds me of where we were. I thought out of malice, like "you don't deserve it" or "you're not good enough".
But I don't believe that anymore. I think when I am moving forwards, my mind reminds me of the bad times as a way of supporting me. Like "this could happen again, have you thought this through?" and "be careful". Trying to teach me how to use past mistakes or problems as a way to learn and keep going. It isn't a negative voice at all. It's an encouraging one.

I have always been looking after everyone which has at times left me feeling secluded. But I never would have thought that there was someone invested in me, watching over me, caring unconditionally: Me. I have been fighting for years to find a way to build a relationship with myself and all along there has always been a solid foundation inside me.
At times when I have felt completely alone, like no one in the world understands me, I had me. And I believe that maybe why it seemed to be so aggressive was because it was screaming out for me to listen to it. "I'm trying to help you!" "I'm trying to love you dammit".

It's hard to believe that that part has been supporting me all along. Not an enemy, very far from it. I think that the scared little child created something to give her strength. Someone who had the ability to do what she couldn't, a safe place to be. That part has come in very handy over the years. Looking back at every moment of fear or worry or stress, there it was. Offering me a place where I could be vulnerable, frightened. I often don't outwardly show my less attractive emotions, which in turn can leave me feeling ostracized. But when I'm sat alone, crying or feeling hopeless it is that part of me that wipes my tears and picks me back up. She has never left me. Has been a constant every day.

It astounds me to think I ever thought of it as a negative part of my life. To think that I felt it was restricting me sounds crazy to me. I am beyond grateful. If it were another person I would feel forever indebted to them, while I do feel that, I think the only way to show true appreciation is to give that part of me room to grow. Nurture it and allow it to nurture me.
I am so sorry to her. While I may have thought she was a nagging, evil witch she was only trying to help and guide me. The foundation upon which I stand. The foundation isn't hate. It isn't plotting against me.
I am promising to accept her into my life and into my heart. I can only dream of the wonderful things that will come out of this relationship 😭💗

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