Tuesday 31 December 2019

The end of a decade.

A decade, what a substantial amount of time.
In the last ten years I went from being a 19 year old girl to a 29 year old woman.
At the start of the decade I was moving in with my love. I was starting what I intended to be my last ever job. As it happens, it wasn't meant to be. I learnt so much about life over the course of those years. I learnt things the hard way, the easy way, the painful way but learnt none the less. I lost my partner, my job and my home twice. I moved back home.
My mental health deteriorated to the point I was literally a prisoner in my house. I spent 4 years a captive of my own brain, scared to even touch people. Unable to express any emotion other than faux happiness. In that time I became aware of my thoughts, my feelings and what I wanted out of life. I began to fight. Fight back against all of the dark and poisonous thoughts that were a constant in my mind. I began being able to touch door handles and leave the house again. I even started to share my actual opinions on things.
Just as I was feeling better about life I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Seeing images of your brain with damaged patches in it is something I hope you will never have to experience. It knocked me for six. Living with the reality that I have an incurable disease doesn't do much for my depression. I live with the relapses and having to learn to take things easy is the hardest part for me because even I can't see my invisible illness.
About a year later I decided to make the big leap and get a job. Going back to my roots of looking after other people. Meeting so many different characters has been something I will always cherish. In an attempt to move forwards with my life in a more personal sense, I met someone and I was on the receiving end of abuse. Mentally, emotionally and physically. Throughout I felt it was what I deserved and that I was over-reacting or thinking negatively. You know what? Fuck that. Walking away was and has been one of the hardest things I think I will ever have to do, it is literally a choice I make every day not to go back. However the freedom I now feel is exhilarating.

Looking back at the last 10 years I could think :
Every time I get my life going in the direction I want, every time I make positive choices, every time I tart to feel better the universe bitch slaps me and attempts to drag me back down to the poorly little creature I was for so long
Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

I have treated myself as if I am bulletproof, indestructible and I held myself to an impossible standard. All it brought me was pain and severely impacted my self esteem in the worst way. Life can and will knock you down... Repeatedly and often. But kid, you gotta get back up, look it in the face and say “You hit like a little bitch” and carry on. You can acknowledge that it hurt, but you've got to keep moving. Someone treating you badly is on them not you. It is on you as to whether you're going to allow yourself to be around that kind of energy.

Don't stand for being mistreated – especially by yourself.
Treat yourself as you would someone you love.

Soooooo to sum up :
Over the last decade I have become an auntie three times, a big sister to six, a friend, a daughter, a weirdo, a comic, over-sharer, quite nifty with a makeup brush, avid watcher of Netflix, huge fan of sarcasm, self proclaimed fan of true crime, fairly skilled with an avocado, lover of laughter, overall expert at self deprecation, come out, massively talented at putting my foot in it, got a tattoo and a septum piercing, blogged and made videos on and off, became fascinated by astrology and tarot, have the same bed that I had when I was 12, pretty sure I have some form of intolerance to dairy, partially addicted to my phone, found Dean Norris, have an ever-growing makeup collection, can now ride the train with some level of confidence, changed my hair length and colour several times and have generally had no idea what the hell I was doing half the time 😏😂

Here's to the next 10 years, may they fill our lives with lessons, never-ending dreams coming true and buckets full of self love

Thank you to all of my mvp's, you know who you are I love you and you da realest 😎💖

You'll be seeing much more of me around these parts 😁
🎆🎉💜 HAPPY 2020!!! 💜🎉🎆
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