Thursday 14 March 2024

i’m finally done.

Hello and welcome to the shit show,

congrats! you’ve got front-row seating ☺️

Let’s begin…

For someone who hates ‘going with the flow’, I’ve been living my whole life like it. 

Every day is the same. Every month is the same. Every year is the same. Hell, even every decade is the same. Of course, there are life experiences, trauma, love, and jobs sprinkled in but generally speaking, it’s the fucking same

Ten years ago I was suffering tremendously with my mental health, so much so that I was unable to leave the house for four years (not an exaggeration). After what felt like 10 wars, I managed to free myself from OCD’s heavy grasp and was able to begin living with OCD. I can’t put into words how much of a battle that was, but it was a fight I won. Now, ten years on, sure there are several changes but all in all, I don’t see much difference in my life. Taking my age into consideration, I was in my 20s then, I’m in my 30s now, I was an adult all the way through the past decade and there’s been what feels like no change. 

I believe it was Tony Robbins* who said something along the lines of “You’ll continue repeating a habit until you’re absolutely sick of it”. I truly get sick of my life** every day. How can I not? 

I always advocate for freedom. It is the thing I want most in the whole world and I want it for others too. But what I am experiencing in my life, is what I would imagine a prisoner*** feels like. Every day is exactly the same. Same routine. Same four walls. Year after year after year. And guess what? I’m not a prisoner. I can open the door and pretty much do whatever the fuck I want. I can roam free without a care in the world. As far as commitments go, for me, as long as my close ones are happy, healthy and safe I’m good to go. No husband/wife/partner, no kids, not even a pet.

-what a sad, lonely existence i lead πŸ˜‘

Yet I live my life as if I’m anchored in one place. Unable to change or mix things up a bit. But why? I’m literally the only person/thing that is stopping me. 

I’ve never had a plan. Sure, I’ve been in relationships and have been curious about marriage and the long term, but it was always for the other person. ‘They want to get married one day, they want to move one day…’ It never crossed my mind what I wanted. 

It sounds unbelievable, I know. But it’s the truth. All I do know is that I don’t want to spend another year (or day even!) living in this constant cycle of unhappiness and discontentment.

I’m constantly feeling exhausted and I truly feel the cause is the static that is my life. It doesn’t make me want to jump out of bed ready to seize the day****. I have trouble remembering what day it is because, you guessed it, yesterday was exactly the same. I have created a very small and insignificant little life for myself. It helped when I was severely mentally ill, but now? It doesn’t work. Each day I am living like the wounded young woman who couldn’t even touch people, but she’s not who I am now. 

I definitely struggle with living with an avoidant type brain,

-it may have helped me run from bad things in the past but it certainly ain’t helping me now

but to be avoiding my whole life?? 

Maybe Tony Robbins was right in what he said, and that only when you’re truly sick of something will you change it. I’ve felt like this before but it definitely feels like there’s something different now. Maybe I’ve got more ‘kickassery’ in me than before, maybe I’m just genuinely sick of my own bullshit. Who knows. But I am forever grateful for whatever it is that is finally releasing me from my anchor and allowing me my freedom. 


i want to thank you so much for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

Please take care of yourself, you are so important and deserve the world 🌍

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–

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*not including my family, friends, colleagues, home etc. in this statement. 

**not expressing compassion or advocating for ‘criminals’, just using the daily routine as an example πŸ‘

***possibly a questionable person to quote, (iykyk) but I resonated with the quote nonetheless. 

****i am truly not meaning sound ableist. i completely understand that not everyone can just ‘jump out of bed’ and it is definitely something i am trying not to take for granted πŸ™πŸ» 


(content written and owned by meπŸ™πŸ») 

Sunday 3 March 2024

looking within

Hello and welcome!πŸ’œ
Today I'm tackling a tricky subject: Motivation
Let's get into it...

You can't always be motivated and energised. Well, I certainly can't. 
I get short bursts where I get in the mood to "sort my life out" but it always seems to fade away as quickly as it came. 
- btw, why do the bursts always seem to happen in the middle of the night? πŸ˜•πŸ˜‚
And it's never just a little at a time. It's always 'I must take these 10 steps to achieve anything worthwhile'. And you know what? That's fucking exhausting and an impossible feat to maintain. It feels like me saying I will wake up tomorrow a completely different person than who I am right now. Somebody who has their shit together. All evidence to the contrary. 
For most things in life, you gotta work for it. Money, love, health, friendships. Why should my relationship with myself be any different? πŸ€”

You may or may not know, but I am a self-proclaimed people-pleaser. 
- thanks trauma ✌πŸ˜’
It has cost me a lot and it continues to do so. I thought that once I was self-aware, it was something that would stop. But that takes work too! Unlearning unhealthy behaviours is fucking hard but I've had a taste of when it works, and boy is it worth it. 
All this is to say: Going above and beyond for others? Easy peasy. Going above and beyond (or even just plain trying) for myself? Nahh. 
- i'm a hype girl for everyone but myself πŸ˜‘
Finding the energy and will to just look after myself is a nightmare. It truly doesn't feel worth it. 

But those times when it does happen? It legit feels like heaven on earth.
It takes every muscle in my body, every thought in my head and attempting to make choices that go against everything I've been taught to believe in to just look after me. Throughout my life, I've been faced with relationships that have made me question my worth, each and every time leaving me believing that I am unimportant and don't matter at all. I wish I could say that that's all behind me now, but unfortunately, it's something I carry with me every day. When people who you love and you believe love you, not only treat you like you don't matter but also convince you that you shouldn't feel you matter, sadly, you really start to believe it. 

It's completely draining to do the work towards looking after myself, but oh so worth it. 

After three night shifts, I woke up with a day ahead of me.
My grandparents were going to be visiting and normally that would fill me with no energy in the lead-up. As if my day was jam-packed and I was already assuming that I would end up overwhelmed and exhausted.
But this day? This day I woke up and had a desire to get the most out of my day. I made myself a coffee, cleaned the kitchen and then took my time applying my skincare and makeup. 

I filmed myself getting ready so that I can post it on my YouTube channel (my first video in 10 months!!) and I even filmed a short video of a 'pep talk' 😌
I felt so alive

But... How did I do it??

What I realised was that what I needed was a little ~push~.
Not a forceful body slam, an RKO out of nowhere or yeeting myself towards things that I don't feel up to doing.
Just a very tender, gentle nudge. 
From a place of care, love and patience.
Best believe this was so unnatural to me. Being nice to myself is so rare that I don't trust it. I'm used to being ignored and forgotten about not being built up and encouraged. (i'm not looking for pity, i'm just keeping it real πŸ’™)

I think 'motivation' is a bit of a buzzword these days. But I believe you can't necessarily achieve the level of motivation you're looking for unless you try to address the reason why you're not acting on your feelings. In doing so, I have learnt that at this stage of my recovery, I need to work on my self-trust. Inner me remembers every time my feelings and actions put in us painful situations. I've had to listen to broken promises to myself more times than I can count, what makes this one any different?
-whew 😢
How can I expect myself to make 'better choices' for life when I don't trust myself?
It may sound obvious but I only managed to achieve this level of inner knowledge by sitting with myself and asking myself "Why?" to things that make me uncomfortable. Learning to sit in the discomfort is super difficult, but again, so worth it. 

It may sound cliche, but you are your longest relationship. You are with you from day 1 to day ?. You can't expect yourself to feel satisfied with your life if you're not living it in a way that fills you up and brings you peace and joy.
I guess my takeaway is this: Look within. The answers may be there waiting to be found πŸ’—


Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

Please take care of yourself, you are so important and deserve the world 🌍

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–

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