i’m finally done.

Hello and welcome to the shit show,

congrats! you’ve got front-row seating ☺️

Let’s begin…

For someone who hates ‘going with the flow’, I’ve been living my whole life like it. 

Every day is the same. Every month is the same. Every year is the same. Hell, even every decade is the same. Of course, there are life experiences, trauma, love, and jobs sprinkled in but generally speaking, it’s the fucking same. 

Ten years ago I was suffering tremendously with my mental health, so much so that I was unable to leave the house for four years (not an exaggeration). After what felt like 10 wars, I managed to free myself from OCD’s heavy grasp and was able to begin living with OCD. I can’t put into words how much of a battle that was, but it was a fight I won. Now, ten years on, sure there are several changes but all in all, I don’t see much difference in my life. Taking my age into consideration, I was in my 20s then, I’m in my 30s now, I was an adult all the way through the past decade and there’s been what feels like no change. 

I believe it was Tony Robbins* who said something along the lines of “You’ll continue repeating a habit until you’re absolutely sick of it”. I truly get sick of my life** every day. How can I not? 

I always advocate for freedom. It is the thing I want most in the whole world and I want it for others too. But what I am experiencing in my life, is what I would imagine a prisoner*** feels like. Every day is exactly the same. Same routine. Same four walls. Year after year after year. And guess what? I’m not a prisoner. I can open the door and pretty much do whatever the fuck I want. I can roam free without a care in the world. As far as commitments go, for me, as long as my close ones are happy, healthy and safe I’m good to go. No husband/wife/partner, no kids, not even a pet.

-what a sad, lonely existence i lead 😑

Yet I live my life as if I’m anchored in one place. Unable to change or mix things up a bit. But why? I’m literally the only person/thing that is stopping me. 

I’ve never had a plan. Sure, I’ve been in relationships and have been curious about marriage and the long term, but it was always for the other person. ‘They want to get married one day, they want to move one day…’ It never crossed my mind what I wanted. 

It sounds unbelievable, I know. But it’s the truth. All I do know is that I don’t want to spend another year (or day even!) living in this constant cycle of unhappiness and discontentment.

I’m constantly feeling exhausted and I truly feel the cause is the static that is my life. It doesn’t make me want to jump out of bed ready to seize the day****. I have trouble remembering what day it is because, you guessed it, yesterday was exactly the same. I have created a very small and insignificant little life for myself. It helped when I was severely mentally ill, but now? It doesn’t work. Each day I am living like the wounded young woman who couldn’t even touch people, but she’s not who I am now. 

I definitely struggle with living with an avoidant type brain,

-it may have helped me run from bad things in the past but it certainly ain’t helping me now

but to be avoiding my whole life?? 

Maybe Tony Robbins was right in what he said, and that only when you’re truly sick of something will you change it. I’ve felt like this before but it definitely feels like there’s something different now. Maybe I’ve got more ‘kickassery’ in me than before, maybe I’m just genuinely sick of my own bullshit. Who knows. But I am forever grateful for whatever it is that is finally releasing me from my anchor and allowing me my freedom. 

🪽

i want to thank you so much for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

Please take care of yourself, you are so important and deserve the world 🌍

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖

•    INSTAGRAM  •    TWITTER    •    YOUTUBE  •    FACEBOOK  •    PINTEREST  •    TUMBLR  •    TIKTOK  •

*not including my family, friends, colleagues, home etc. in this statement. 

**not expressing compassion or advocating for ‘criminals’, just using the daily routine as an example 👍

***possibly a questionable person to quote, (iykyk) but I resonated with the quote nonetheless. 

****i am truly not meaning sound ableist. i completely understand that not everyone can just ‘jump out of bed’ and it is definitely something i am trying not to take for granted 🙏🏻 

•♡•

checkpointorg.com/global/

www.samaritans.org/

•

•

•

(content written and owned by me🙏🏻)