Friday, 28 October 2022

When is Enough, Enough?

It’s been four long years.

Weeks, no, months filled with stress. Anxiety through the roof. My mood lower than it’s been in a long time. Feeling unheard and unappreciated. Waiting for the inevitable “I’ve had enough” stage felt like a lifetime. What was finally going to do it? A full-blown breakdown? Being signed off sick again for months? Well, I truly believe that in the end, it was grief.

After losing patients that I had spent years with, I realized that there was no time, space, or room for me to grieve. Broken doesn’t even cover it. My soul, spirit and overall health were being affected. With a tornado of overwhelming emotions, I felt utterly stuck. I had hit a wall.

Sure, leaving altogether could be seen as my ever-present ‘Flight’ trauma response, but this time it felt different. As if I was somehow freeing myself from a jail cell. The secret was, I had had the key to the door all along. But I had hidden it in my pocket and buried it under the pressures of being perfect, never walking away from a fight, anxiety about letting people down, testing myself on just how far I can be pushed and worries that I’d be unable to find another job.

But you know, none of my co-workers, patients, or managers have to live my life. I believe I was waiting for someone to ‘save me’. If my manager/co-workers saw me struggling, they’d step in and offer a helping hand. Guess what? Never happened. You know why? Because it isn’t their job or place to do so. You know who’s it is? Mine.

There’s been a lot of negative things that have come out of working under these conditions for so long but there have been some positives too. Focusing on the not-so-great stuff seems to be easier to find when looking back. Isn’t it always? But while the better parts are very few and far between, they’ve been some of the most life-changing parts of my life so far!

- sounds like I’m exaggerating but I’m definitely not

Great, lasting friendships have been made, I met the love of my life and feel that after all this crap that I’ve been through (sometimes put myself through), I genuinely feel like I know myself on a deeper level now. It may sound clichΓ©, but without the bad, I wouldn’t have found the amazing.

And all those pressures I was putting myself under? Well, there’s no such thing as perfect. Some fights aren’t for me to put myself through. Worrying about letting people down? That’s going to happen in life, I can’t be everything to everyone. What happens when I test my limits to being pushed in a negative capacity? I break, just like I’m sure anyone else would. Being concerned about being able to find another job was a process for sure but, I had an interview and was offered the position on the spot! 😏

Even though I am sharing this with you, that doesn’t mean I have managed to accept all of it. As with anything, it’s one hell of a process. The grief hasn’t gone away. Just because I may be leaving, that doesn’t mean my acceptance and healing journey stops. Like most things, the traumas, and difficulties I have faced will follow me until I am able to work through them. But that takes time. Time that I am willing to give it. 

🌸

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

Please take care of yourself, you are so important and deserve the world 🌍

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–

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Tuesday, 13 September 2022

Eight Years On.

|Trigger warning.|

The following contains adult content, adult language, my experience with physical, mental, verbal, and emotional abuse, and mental health struggles. Reader discretion is advised.

🌱

It’s been over for 8 years. And only this past weekend did I realize what actually happened during and maybe most importantly, in the aftermath.

During the relationship, I was so secretive. I didn’t let on to anybody what it was like living in that house. The hell that was daily life. I knew deep down that if my family knew what I was going through, they would have pulled up, packed my shit, and brought me home.

- this being one of the first acknowledgements of my abusive relationship with myself -__-

Each day was unpredictable in the worst way. Anger, outbursts, and verbal, mental and emotional abuse from both of them. I was living with a grenade surrounded by land mines.

When it ended, my family now in the loop, I was unable to have anyone talk badly about them. I couldn’t accept hearing the truth. It wasn’t the truth for me.

It took me *literal* years to move on. Even when I was eventually able to accept the reality of the situation. I could never understand why.

It was only this past weekend that it hit me. Trauma bond.

The repeated abuse, the daily depreciation and feeling unable to let go had me completely stuck in a loop.

This had honestly never occurred to me. Back then, I had never even heard of trauma bonding but now I am aware, it makes so much sense.

I’m now travelling down a rabbit hole of healing and accepting that I did what I could given the circumstances at the time. And that’s okay. 


Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

Please take care of yourself, you are so important and deserve the world 🌍

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–

 

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https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can...

 

Friday, 2 September 2022

Swapping One Abuser For Another

|Trigger warning.|

The following contains

adult content, my experience with mental, verbal and emotional abuse, substance abuse, and mental health struggles.

Reader discretion is advised.

🌱

I’ve replaced one form of abuse with another.

For the first time in my adult life, I am free. Totally and completely free. I was caged in for so long but now, the cage door is open, and I can leave without any worry of consequences. What a concept!

Since I turned 18, I have been in abusive relationships. They may differ in their type, but they have been abusive nonetheless. Since I ended my last abusive relationship, I have had time to myself, have found a loving partner and generally have the freedom to do whatever my heart desires. But that hasn’t happened.

It may sound ~sick~ but the unhealed, traumatized parts of me, miss the abuse. Maybe that’s too honest, but it’s my truth (and it may be something you need to hear).

So now I have created my own cage.

I began smoking. For obvious reasons, it’s terrible for my health but the potential effects on the MS? Nah.

It’s been going on for so long now that it is a full-blown addiction

- lol. not lol at all

Now I find myself in quite the predicament :

Care about myself enough to make an effort to quit smoking. Resulting in better health and slowing the progression of MS.

Care about myself enough to cut out a form of self-inflicted abuse.

So basically, it’s the same old problem = lack of self-care/worth/love.

Unfortunately, this post doesn’t hold the answers (I wish). But I am hoping that in addressing the issue, I cannot continue mentally ignoring it. 


Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–

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https://checkpointorg.com/global/

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Wednesday, 27 July 2022

Why Don't You Love Me?

You don’t have to treat me poorly as others have. You don’t need to disregard me as if I am unimportant. I am here for every beat of your heart, every thought you have, every breath entering your lungs. I’ve been there for every heartbreak and all the beautiful times. I’ve felt your tears roll down your cheeks, your mouth aching from so much smiling. I am your vessel, and I am asking you why? Why won't you turn your giving, kind, loving nature inward? What’s the use of doling it out when it leaves nothing left for yourself? We’ve begged for crumbs from others but now I am begging you for so much more. I want more. I know you’re perfectly capable of giving, now please, give it to yourself. I’m so sick of waking up and living the same day every day thinking, that tomorrow will be the day I make the change. Out of the 15ish years of feeling like this, that has happened on zero days. I will go to the end of the earth for anyone else, please, it’s time to do it for us.

 

With love,

Your inner self (little you, your soul, your highest self and all the love and light within us)

xoxoπŸ’Ÿ




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Friday, 24 June 2022

Comparison.

My last public post was on January 29th this year. If that doesn't show the headspace I've been in I don't know what does.

At the end of last year, I was getting up early every work day to have enough time to meditate, script, stretch my body and dance. Looking back, I don't really recognise the person I was nor the mental space I was in. I was motivated to wake up early before a 12-hour shift, four times a week just to have this little routine. My mind was different on the days I did this compared to the days I had skipped it. Believe me, I wasn't all 'love and light, peace and butterflies' on the days that I had carried out my routine, but I just felt different. Calmer maybe? My tarot and Oracle decks were being used regularly. After every shift, my partner and I would sage each other after our showers. 

I mean I can go on and on about the me of then compared to the me of today, in a way, shaming myself. Comparison can be effective, sure, but when it comes to someone who struggles with their mental health, life issues, work bullshit and just generally being an adult in 2022, comparison can be your arch-nemesis. Being on a growth journey is notoriously tricky.  You've seen the memes right?? Growth isn't linear. It has its ups, downs and static moments. That's part and parcel of it all. Sometimes you go backwards, which can be incredibly heartbreaking and discouraging. You've come this far just to return a few steps back or to where you started. Trying to be the person I was when I look back and think 'this was when I was at my peak' is useless. I'm not that person anymore. We've been through so much shit, trauma and heartache since then. We've evolved - whether we acknowledge that or not. Maybe a tweak is necessary? Finding what works for the me of today


Learning to care for myself, you know be a little kinder and understanding. Not compare myself to them, Kim Kardashian or even myself. Living in this world where you get to see the highlight reel of everybody's life is exhausting. Checking in with myself each day may be something more achievable to work towards a realistic expectation of my life. Who knows, one day I may be doing a very similar morning routine to what I used to do. But for now? It's too far away. And that's okay.

POV : I didn't plan this post. Getting out my laptop to go on Pinterest and ignore myself and my thoughts is a frequent occurrence. But I opened up my notepad and began typing. 

...

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–

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Saturday, 29 January 2022

Pick me.

It may sound silly, ridiculous even, but I am embarking on a journey of choosing myself. 

To date, I always put my self-neglect down to - not having the time, too busy focusing on this person or this person or work etc., too busy worrying about everyone else. 

But those people I was hyper fixated on looking after and protecting for all that time? They're doing just fine without me hovering over them and making sure they're happy. 

I have always thought that I 'always put everyone else first' and while that was painfully true for large chunks of my life, it isn't anymore. In spite of that being a massive achievement, I have come to realize that, yes, I am no longer putting others first (to the degree I was) but I haven't replaced it with anything. Eg: Me. 

I have just been wandering around aimlessly. Living without another person being my purpose is completely foreign to me. 

It's almost as if at every turn of my life when the option of picking myself was available, I have found any and every other reason not to. I have crammed people into the first place in my life - without them even asking(!?!) - leaving me behind. 


I have started implementing healthier choices in my life. Ones that solely benefit me. It feels icky, triggering and completely alien to me. I am really uncomfortable but, I need this. My soul is calling me. It feels like it has been for a long, long time. And I cannot ignore it anymore. 

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–

 


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Monday, 24 January 2022

Sick of my own B.S

I'm so sick of writing about having enough of my own bullshit without making any changes. 

I looked back at my old posts, my old YouTube videos, journal entries and guess what? I am the same fucking person.

Sure, I've grown. I've faced unthinkable trauma, fought through difficulties, shed my skin in many ways but, I'm still her.

Still not taking action in my life. Still not thinking about what I want from my life. Still not practising self-love/care. Still complaining about the condition of my life. Still going through each day on autopilot.  

All the while, doing nothing to improve my circumstances. 

In the last two years, I have removed myself from an abusive relationship (which was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do). I thought after that, that I would be able to return to myself. Meaning that inspiration, motivation and self-care would follow. None of this came to fruition. 

It seems as though nothing can yank me out of it. 

Even choosing myself in leaving that relationship wasn't enough to bring me back. To bring me back to life. 

It has gotten to the point where I am so miserable with myself that I have even Googled how to 'fix' myself πŸ˜”


Part of the issue I have come to learn about is my fear of failure. Which is pretty self-explanatory.

Don't try = don't fail. 

The other part is familiarity. I know what not making effort is like.

I know what living my life as unassuming as possible is like vs fear of the unknown. 

Like many people, I have been burnt. People and situations haven't turned out as I would have hoped. People have left me. Jobs have been crap. I've been used and discarded when I have no further purpose for people. Taking these things into account, I can understand my hesitation when thinking about bettering my life. What if I fuck it up? What if people don't like me?...

When it comes to other people, I give 1000%. At work, I am completely focused on who I am looking after that I, at times, forget to have a drop of water myself. I wish I wish, I wish I could focus that kind of positive attention on myself. Sure, I can hone in on my negatives. The things that make me a bad person, a bitch etc. But love for myself? Zero. 

And, hand on my heart, I feel like I have written/spoken about countless times.

It's like the worst groundhog day  e v e r




"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

- Albert Einstein

No. I'm not saying that I'm insane. But the thought causes me to pause. 

Not trying, being goal-less, remaining on auto-pilot has given me my current and past experience(s) of life. Resulting in me feeling fairly miserable, to be honest. I have a great family, a wonderful girlfriend, friends, a job, a roof over my head, a fridge full of food and for all of those things I am wholeheartedly grateful but I truly believe that while I am unhappy with myself, I cannot be happy in all aspects of my life. 

I think being sick of my own bullshit isn't the way forward (it's done nothing for me so far!). I think I need to be accepting. To be understanding that this is what I have known how to do. And while that has caused me pain, it has potentially protected me and was who I have needed to be thus far. But perhaps I can let that part of me go now. Being hypervigilant, deeply self-critical and the thing that stands in my own way has served its purpose. 

Old ways won't open new doors. 


Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–



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Wednesday, 12 January 2022

What happens when you achieve your dream?

In 2018 after months and months of hard work, pain, and tears - oh so many tears - I beat back OCD to the point where I felt capable to reach for my dream. I applied for a job and I got it. I was flooded with elation. After being trapped at home for four long, painful years, unemployed and imprisoned by my mental illness, I had been able to achieve a dream that had kept me driven for so long. 

So what happens when the goal is achieved? Well, it's three years later, still at that job and feeling unmotivated and backsliding. As someone who strives for perfection and is plagued by the need to be accepted by others, it is very difficult for me to feel even a little bit happy while at work. I hold myself to a very high standard so when I don't meet them, I chastise and punish myself. I do the same when I don't meet others' expectations. It's a very vicious cycle - believing I have the ability to provide 100% all of the time to everyone is not only unrealistic but is also damaging to my mental health. It's also crushing my spirit.

The feeling of achievement slipped away some time ago. 

Within the first three months of working, I reduced my hours and was feeling unhappy. I had managed to film two videos in that time and was grossly disappointed with myself. My mental health was already deteriorating and I had begun to fall back into old patterns. By my fourth month working, I was involved in an abusive relationship which had me keeping secrets and behaving in ways that didn't align with myself. The combination of the "relationship" and work had me in a downward spiral in all aspects of my life. 

I looked for pictures of myself during this time but there aren't any.

That speaks volumes to me.

At work I feel unappreciated and like my efforts are somewhat pointless. Unfortunately, that has seeped into my personal life. I have been completely unmotivated in all aspects of my life and feel as though I am on some kind of un-energetic auto-pilot. I feel that since I have been working I have come to the realization that perfection isn't possible. And rather than that being something positive, something freeing, it has been the thing that hurts me. If I can't have perfect mental health, what's the point? If I can't be praised for the hard work I do, what's the point? If others won't appreciate me, what's the point? My need to be accepted by everyone masks the fact that I am unwilling to accept myself. I search for acceptance from others as I find it too difficult and in some ways selfish, to focus on myself. 

Before I started my job I was the closest I have ever been with myself. 

This picture is from June 2018. Look at her 😒

My relationship with myself was blossoming. I was becoming aware of my emotions, accepting of my difficulties, and fighting for my dreams and goals. My recovery was my main focus. When I started working, I lost a lot of time due to the shifts which was the first bump along the road to my unravelling. On my days off I was/am absolutely exhausted and had/have zero energy to do anything. Over time the person I was in 2018 - pre-work me - was a very distant memory. I remember one day angrily thinking "I can't have it all!". I signed up for my dream, my dream was to have it all. The job, the great relationship with myself, good mental health, money, free time, hobbies, and continuing with my writing and YouTube channel. In truth, out of that list, I can't really tick any of them as done. 

By pushing myself to over-extend when it comes to others, I have paid the ultimate price - My relationship with myself. In needing others' constant approval, it shows me that I have returned to a point where I no longer accept myself. As a result, my need for others' validation is pretty much a constant craving. 

While quitting my job sounds delightful and I can pack my rucksack in a heartbeat... It's just not feasible (for obvious and not so obvious reason). So what can I do? 

Well, I'm trying to make incrimentle changes. I am taking my breaks. I do with those what I like - writing, editing, watching Netflix, hanging out with my girlfriend... WhateverπŸ‘IπŸ‘likeπŸ‘. I have started to wake up a little earlier on work mornings. Giving me enough time to wake up slowly, make a cup of tea and chat to my girlfriend. I have also started meditating, stretching and dancing in the morning (real talk - I haven't done this routine since just before Christmas but going to be changing that very soon!). On some days off when I am feeling like shit, I am trying any way. I get glam, take pictures, film a video etc. I am trying not to hold everyone else's opinion higher than my own when it comes to myself and my life. That is a really hard one, but I'm trying. 

I am trying to learn from the past version of me who wanted it all and made it happen. She was amazing. 

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏πŸ’ͺπŸ’‹πŸ’–


 
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