Tuesday 31 December 2019

The end of a decade.

A decade, what a substantial amount of time.
In the last ten years I went from being a 19 year old girl to a 29 year old woman.
At the start of the decade I was moving in with my love. I was starting what I intended to be my last ever job. As it happens, it wasn't meant to be. I learnt so much about life over the course of those years. I learnt things the hard way, the easy way, the painful way but learnt none the less. I lost my partner, my job and my home twice. I moved back home.
My mental health deteriorated to the point I was literally a prisoner in my house. I spent 4 years a captive of my own brain, scared to even touch people. Unable to express any emotion other than faux happiness. In that time I became aware of my thoughts, my feelings and what I wanted out of life. I began to fight. Fight back against all of the dark and poisonous thoughts that were a constant in my mind. I began being able to touch door handles and leave the house again. I even started to share my actual opinions on things.
Just as I was feeling better about life I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Seeing images of your brain with damaged patches in it is something I hope you will never have to experience. It knocked me for six. Living with the reality that I have an incurable disease doesn't do much for my depression. I live with the relapses and having to learn to take things easy is the hardest part for me because even I can't see my invisible illness.
About a year later I decided to make the big leap and get a job. Going back to my roots of looking after other people. Meeting so many different characters has been something I will always cherish. In an attempt to move forwards with my life in a more personal sense, I met someone and I was on the receiving end of abuse. Mentally, emotionally and physically. Throughout I felt it was what I deserved and that I was over-reacting or thinking negatively. You know what? Fuck that. Walking away was and has been one of the hardest things I think I will ever have to do, it is literally a choice I make every day not to go back. However the freedom I now feel is exhilarating.

Looking back at the last 10 years I could think :
Every time I get my life going in the direction I want, every time I make positive choices, every time I tart to feel better the universe bitch slaps me and attempts to drag me back down to the poorly little creature I was for so long
Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

I have treated myself as if I am bulletproof, indestructible and I held myself to an impossible standard. All it brought me was pain and severely impacted my self esteem in the worst way. Life can and will knock you down... Repeatedly and often. But kid, you gotta get back up, look it in the face and say “You hit like a little bitch” and carry on. You can acknowledge that it hurt, but you've got to keep moving. Someone treating you badly is on them not you. It is on you as to whether you're going to allow yourself to be around that kind of energy.

Don't stand for being mistreated – especially by yourself.
Treat yourself as you would someone you love.

Soooooo to sum up :
Over the last decade I have become an auntie three times, a big sister to six, a friend, a daughter, a weirdo, a comic, over-sharer, quite nifty with a makeup brush, avid watcher of Netflix, huge fan of sarcasm, self proclaimed fan of true crime, fairly skilled with an avocado, lover of laughter, overall expert at self deprecation, come out, massively talented at putting my foot in it, got a tattoo and a septum piercing, blogged and made videos on and off, became fascinated by astrology and tarot, have the same bed that I had when I was 12, pretty sure I have some form of intolerance to dairy, partially addicted to my phone, found Dean Norris, have an ever-growing makeup collection, can now ride the train with some level of confidence, changed my hair length and colour several times and have generally had no idea what the hell I was doing half the time 😏😂

Here's to the next 10 years, may they fill our lives with lessons, never-ending dreams coming true and buckets full of self love

Thank you to all of my mvp's, you know who you are I love you and you da realest 😎💖

You'll be seeing much more of me around these parts 😁
🎆🎉💜 HAPPY 2020!!! 💜🎉🎆
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Wednesday 18 September 2019


the act of delaying something that must be done, often because it is unpleasant or boring

Whose idea was it to come up with a word like this and make it so long and hard to say when you have no desire to do any of the 'stuff'.
I have scolded myself in the past for being “lazy, messy and disorganized” when I realize now I was possibly feeling uninspired, self sabotaging and maybe procrastinating.
These aren't dirty words and I feel that in this modern time I am hearing them more often.

But really upon closer inspection it boils down to not feeling amped to do something.
To me in doesn't necessarily mean going for that jog or booking in to see the gp. It can be anything. Most days the thought of putting my makeup on brings my blanket firmly over my head in bed and there it stays. And the chance that I do my makeup? 0/100. And lets face it, I LOVE makeup, it is one of my all time favourite things and yet in those moments it feels like a complete utter chore.
When I do give myself the kick up the bum I need and do full glam I feel amazing. We're talking “Helllllo guys, it's me, Nicky!”
-10 points to whatever hp house you are if you get the reference
But seriously I feel like a bazillion bucks. So why is it so hard to accomplish? 

Story time...
I remember being 13 years old watching Dodgeball at the cinema for the first time
- i saw it twice at the cinema, dont come for me its a classic
and being shook.
- or whatever the 2003 equivalent was
Vince Vaughn was having a conversation and said the following 
It dawned on me that at a mere 13 years old that that had been my whole belief system on life.
- i was very mature, thanx trauma
This has been how I have looked at my life. I have a major fear of failure and by avoiding trying to succeed at, well, anything I have looked back feeling like I haven't failed.
What I am left with is a tonne of 'what ifs'. And do you know what that feels like? Somewhere in the neighbourhood of failing. 

So whether it is down to the self-sabotage, feeling uninspired or a little bit of procrastination I don't want to continue having this mindset. I mean, what has it really done for me so far? 
(I have a great life, I have amazing people in my life, somewhere to live, food and water. Please know I'm not complaining.)
What has this limiting mindset and set of beliefs cost me?
I so often look back at my 'old' YouTube videos, see the number of views and correspondence I had with people and think "What would have happened if I hadn't given up?"
- le sigh
More importantly, what would happen if I tried now? Sure, reflection is all gravy if you're using it for good. Rather than look back at times like "I wish this or I didn't try hard enough" I want to use it as inspiration. Kind of like a blueprint of what I don't want. And that's not me making anything wrong, it's acceptance of what was and looking at it from a grateful standpoint, feeling thankful for the lessons I have learnt from those experiences. 
A lot has happened over the years, a whole bunch of changes but here I am, ready for the next part of the journey. 

I recently watched a video by Kristi that really spoke to me, check it out if you relate at all to what has been shared in this post or if you just want to watch a totes amazing video ;)
Link | 
I also watched a video from a recent find of mine on YouTube, Stephanie Lyn Coaching. Spoiler alert, parenting yourself comes into the equation and I don't know about you but I totally need to start parenting myself properly, I mean, Mcdonalds for lunch and dinner? Yum but nonononononono xD
Link |

Thank you so much for stopping by and reading, it means oh so much to me. I hope that you're taking really good care of yourself 💖

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Sunday 14 July 2019

The other side of the door.

I was home alone which is a huge rarity. Seriously, there is always someone at home but it just so happened that this one afternoon I would have one of the biggest achievements of my entire life.

At this point in my life I was feeling kind of like in a limbo. My mental health was no where near as bad as it had been but was still  t h e r e.
- creep
I had noticed that I had started to do things that I hadn't been able to do in years. Unfortunately I was still being controlled in quite major ways by my OCD and it was still restricting my life.

On this afternoon I had decided to get up, put on some bad ass music and do full glam. I sang and tried something different with my makeup and felt what can only be described as a surge. I set up my room and filmed a video for the first time in months. I felt incredible. I then realized that this was it, this was my moment. I knew that if I didn't strike now who knows when I would next feel this strength and ability to try.

I got my shoes on. I grabbed my bag. Made sure I had my purse, phone and keys and then slowly and methodically walked around the house. I started from top to bottom. I took my time and checked windows, plugs, taps, electricals (eg. my hair straighteners), that the back door was locked. All I could feel was butterflies in my stomach, I felt excited and pumped.
I then headed for the front door. I pulled the handle, stepped outside, took one final look inside, pulled the door shut, lifted the handle, locked the door and started walking up the driveway. After all these years I expected to feel full of fear, terror and panic. I never thought I would make it a step out of the driveway but before I knew it I was walking down the street. I didn't have a plan, nowhere in particular to go but I walked. When I made it to the end of the road I decided to go to a shop and buy a drink.

The things that struck me most was that on the other side of the door wasn't fear it was freedom. I went to a shop and bought a bottle of Dr. Pepper
- my one true love
and then took a slow walk back home. On my way I sent a selfie to some of my family members. I wanted to document what a huge milestone this was. They were in shock and told me how proud they were of me. They had seen me struggle for so many years and they knew that this was pretty much the hardest thing I had ever done.

When I came back through that front door I honestly felt like I was walking on air. I felt like a real life super hero. Nothing could stop me now. It was from this day on that I refused to stop. I attacked my OCD full force, I was pushing forward and to be honest, I pretty much haven't stopped. I consider myself as of August 2018 to be IN recovery from OCD. It will never be gone, it will always be a demon whispering in my ear but I have learnt to step in a call bullshit.
It has been a year since I stepped out onto the other side of that door and I have achieved so very much in that time. I want you to know that you too can win, you can reach the other side of whatever door is in your way. You too can experience the freedom and life that you deserve. It all starts with believing in yourself more than what your mental illness is telling you. It is easy for my to say, it's very hard to believe and achieve but my god it is so worth it. I encourage you to fight, fight for you, for the life you've been dreaming of. You can do it, I believe in you.

Thank you so so much for reading 🙏
I hope that you are taking really good care of yourself, you are so very precious 💖

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gif sources : sourcesource

Saturday 15 June 2019

Please come back to me.

Where are you?
You were right here by my side. You had a tight grip. I thought it was forever, I thought that once you came that you were going to stay. But you left. Now I feel empty. I feel like a huge part of me is missing. How can I function without you? How can I succeed? How am I supposed to live my life without you? Since you've been gone I am feeling completely unfulfilled. Nothing much brings me any joy. Trying to do the things that once made me happy just leaves me feeling tired. I feel lost and empty a lot of the time. Drifting into darkness most days. Without you there is no me.
Motivation, where are you?
I'm sorry if I took you for granted, I promise I'll do better. I will cherish you and fight to keep you forever. When you're here I feel like myself. I feel empowered and whole. I sleep better, dream better and think better. I am able to see the good. I get excited and smile more. I don't mean to sound impatient but I just feel so low without you. I think I have waited long enough, don't you? 
Please come back to me. Please.

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Sunday 3 February 2019

my biggest relapse>>my biggest breakthrough

Staring at a blank page. There's so much I could write. Like how I got signed off work, how I've never felt so low, how I had the worse relapse to date and how I almost completely lost myself.
I could tell you about what I learned from it all... And that's what I'm gonna do.
Too often I dwell on the negative. I let it control my feeling towards a situation and then completely take over - usually resulting in me relapsing. But this time feels a little different. While being in the dark scares me beyond belief, when I was in it, I understood that it wasn't going to last forever.

There has always been a part of me, a part of my mind that seemed to be out to 'get me'. Any time I would evolve or start feeling good it would tear me down. It created a feeling of hate in me. I despised that part of my brain that was constantly betting on me to lose. If I was feeling motivated and positive it knew all the tricks to bring me down. I was resentful. I dreamed of how far I would be if only that part didn't exist.
This part wasn't small either! My brother suggested it was like the relationship between Golem and Smeagle. A very nasty voice that would engulf me in darkness and make me believe that I was all alone.

Over the last few days or so I have been feeling more myself. Clearer. Calmer. Happier. I've been trying to lift myself out of the place I've been for the last 2 months. I always get to this point but the darkness, that part of my mind, always comes back and takes control - or rather, I let it.
I was having a pretty standard day today and while doing something that required no brain power, my mind wandered. And all of a sudden it came to me.
What I realized was that the part of me that I have always blamed for dragging me back, loves me and is scared. I think it is trying to protect me.

Cards on the table, last night I just finished watching something and it sparked a tremendous thought process in me.
Part of the story line was the mother wants to protect her children from the dark world and in doing so attempts to do the unthinkable. She loves them more than anything and just wants them to be safe. (I'm not condoning this behaviour in the slightest, it just allowed me to have an insight into my own thinking)
It hit me on so many levels. It also made me think. In doing so I made a connection between what I had seen and my relationship with myself.

I think part of me will always think back to my lowest points. Where I was unable to go out, didn't leave my room for months, restricted any and all socializing I had. I think of those times often and I think when I improve or step towards a healthy future, that part of me reminds me of where we were. I thought out of malice, like "you don't deserve it" or "you're not good enough".
But I don't believe that anymore. I think when I am moving forwards, my mind reminds me of the bad times as a way of supporting me. Like "this could happen again, have you thought this through?" and "be careful". Trying to teach me how to use past mistakes or problems as a way to learn and keep going. It isn't a negative voice at all. It's an encouraging one.

I have always been looking after everyone which has at times left me feeling secluded. But I never would have thought that there was someone invested in me, watching over me, caring unconditionally: Me. I have been fighting for years to find a way to build a relationship with myself and all along there has always been a solid foundation inside me.
At times when I have felt completely alone, like no one in the world understands me, I had me. And I believe that maybe why it seemed to be so aggressive was because it was screaming out for me to listen to it. "I'm trying to help you!" "I'm trying to love you dammit".

It's hard to believe that that part has been supporting me all along. Not an enemy, very far from it. I think that the scared little child created something to give her strength. Someone who had the ability to do what she couldn't, a safe place to be. That part has come in very handy over the years. Looking back at every moment of fear or worry or stress, there it was. Offering me a place where I could be vulnerable, frightened. I often don't outwardly show my less attractive emotions, which in turn can leave me feeling ostracized. But when I'm sat alone, crying or feeling hopeless it is that part of me that wipes my tears and picks me back up. She has never left me. Has been a constant every day.

It astounds me to think I ever thought of it as a negative part of my life. To think that I felt it was restricting me sounds crazy to me. I am beyond grateful. If it were another person I would feel forever indebted to them, while I do feel that, I think the only way to show true appreciation is to give that part of me room to grow. Nurture it and allow it to nurture me.
I am so sorry to her. While I may have thought she was a nagging, evil witch she was only trying to help and guide me. The foundation upon which I stand. The foundation isn't hate. It isn't plotting against me.
I am promising to accept her into my life and into my heart. I can only dream of the wonderful things that will come out of this relationship 😭💗

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Thursday 10 January 2019

2am. tears, realizations and hot chocolate.

It's 2:28 am and I am laying with my head in a tear soaked pillow. I have been crying for approximately 40 minutes. About what? About everything. Literally. When I get into this loop, everything comes to my mind. I think about all of the bad choices I have made. I torment myself thinking that no one cares about me. I bully myself about my weight. I compare my life to others and show myself how little I have accomplished with my existence. I go over and over and over why they haven't text me back in 4 days. I cry as silently as possibly so as not to wake my mum and brother peacefully sleeping. I gasp for air as my lungs feel as though they have never been so empty. The tears stream down my face. I clutch at my arms, my face, my blanket; anything that I can reach. I think of how today had been an okay day. How I was laughing with my brother just a number of hours ago. How I was singing and dancing to Little Mix in the shower. How I was cuddling my Pip cuddly toy while watching a movie with family earlier. What happened? This is how it is. Every day. Granted, I don't have a crying session like this every day but the drastic changes in mood? Yeah, that's every day. And I'm getting help "urgent" was the word I believe the doctor said but what do I do for now? When I'm up I'm so unbelievably high it's wonderful but kinda scary at the same time. When I'm down it is pretty unbearable. So now what? Well. I've been typing this up for about 12minutes, the tears have stopped but I have a bad feeling that I am no where near sleep. I'm going to go downstairs, make myself a hot chocolate and then get back into bed and either watch some Sophdoesnails on YouTube or Dancing On Ice... kinda feeling like watching a bit of Ashley Banjo may be the cure I need tonight. I guess I kind of self soothed by writing this down - something I haven't done for MONTHS.
Well, the hot chocolate is calling. toodles! Xoxo

- the one edit i am making is that i watched the perfect man on netflix. which was a fantastic decision, as always ✌