Friday 13 July 2018

How I got where I am with my recovery | the music

In late 2013 I spent 3 months or so feeling very low. I have spoken about this before, and that's not what this post is about. After a while, I had had enough. I started taking care of myself. Building a relationship with myself and felt really, connected with who I was.

Now for why I'm mentioning it.
Over the last two years, but particularly the last 3 months, I have begun to repair my relationship with myself. And this time it feels different. I truly feel more like myself than ever. I mean, I was always me, but I can now see all of the things that I let get in my way. And mainly, it was myself. I stopped me from being who I really am.
So I thought I would share some things that have helped a bit along the way 😊

This first post is dedicated to the music.
Up until 2016 I was listening to sad broken heart kind of music which, of course, effected my mood.
- Toni Braxton unbreak my heart anyone?
Well, in 2017 I started listening to songs that, well, brought out my inner queen shall we say ;) And it didn't take long for me to notice such a change in my mood!
- shaking my ass while doing the dishes, you got it
I don't know about you but I feel like my super sassy self when listening to certain songs. Music also helps me to feel empowered too so here's my list...

1. The Middle - Lauren Alaina
I was in the shower one morning and I had my ipod on shuffle.
This song came on. I had never listened to it before, and had put it on there just cause.
As I was listening to the lyrics I felt a connection. I felt a change.
And to this day, I remember that moment as being the first of me choosing recovery 💖

2. Side To Side - Ariana Grande feat. Nicki Minaj
This was the first song I listened to that didn't make me feel sadder than I already did 🙈 When I heard it I was completely overcome with the need to listen to it over and over. It was like when Dorothy enters Oz and everything all of a sudden is in beautiful colours 😍 Yes, really.

3. Work From Home - Fifth Harmony
I'll tell you something, when I saw the music video for this I was sold. It's just magic 💗
This song was the first one I had listened to from these wonderful ladies and let's just say, it didn't stop there.
It makes me feel like I'm the boss, I'm in charge and I always end up dancing to it too 😁

4. Shoutout To My Ex - Little Mix
This song was so poignant 😅 
It's such a fantastic combination of lyrics and beat. You try listening to this song and not feel uplifted... u can't haha!
Also, this song introduced me to modern day Little Mix and let me tell you, I am here for it!! 🙌 

5. That's My Girl - Fifth Harmony
See? 😄
When this song was released I was like - yes! this is it, this is what i needed to hear! 💪
I listened to it non stop.

6. Sorry Not Sorry - Demi Lovato
The title says it all really 😆 
It kind of felt like me and Demi (apparently we're on first name basis lolz) got this surge of badassness at the same time and it feels good 😎
Love her so so so much and this song only made that love even stronger.

7. I Belong To Me - Jessica Simpson
Yes. Jessica Simpson. This song has been with me for a whole lotta years and tears.
It has a very real, very large part in my heart.
"love don't mean changing who you are to be who somebody want you to be".
That hits deeeeep. 💕

8. Power - Little Mix
How could this not be in my list??!!
Man oh man this song gives me all feels and empowerment needed.

9. Miss Me More - Kelsea Ballerini
This song is 💯
Getting to know myself again and I really did miss me more 💁😉

10. Maria - Christina Aguilera
A recent release but a song I listen to almost every day.
I relate to this journey so so much.
The whole Liberation album is 👌 but this song means a great deal to me.

Getting to this point in my recovery has been one heck of a process but I really feel that music has helped me along the way.
I hope that you found this helpful in some way and thank you so much for stopping by :)


Friday 6 July 2018

Becoming Less Robot-Like | An MS Update (kinda)

Okay so this is going to be hard. I haven't spoken about my MS for such a long time – on here. Everything pre-diagnosis was blogged about. The lumbar puncture, the MRI's, the feeling of 'not knowing' what was going on. It was all aired. I posted my full journey shortly after I was diagnosed but since then, I haven't really spoken about it. And this past week, I have realized why.

I recently found out that I have new lesions. Which to be honest, I was expecting. However I was a bit taken aback when I saw that there are now not only lesions on my brain, but also on my spine. I mean, I feel a little like I shouldn't be too surprised, I had thought this would happen at some point but I was in shock. It kind of felt like as long as the lesions stayed in my brain, the whole MS thing wasn't real.
- i know, i know

While I have processed that I have Multiple Sclerosis, I haven't felt it. I have acted rather robot-like towards it. It has entered my life, it is now a part of me and that's that. But unfortunately by not feeling whatever needs to be felt, it kind of felt like the recent news came out of no where. So I talked about it. I spoke to my mum and brother. I shared how I was feeling which was mostly fear, sadness and worry. But you know what I felt afterwards? Lighter. I felt far less sad, I felt supported and am hopeful for the future.

I have always been a 'solve it yourself' kinda gal. I'm kind of independent on the whole and pride myself on my resilience. But if the last five years have taught me anything, it's that I don't have to put a brave face on and tackle things alone. I have wonderful friends and family that are more than happy to help and be a shoulder to cry on. Boy am I blessed!

So. No more bottling. No more robot Nicky. This is my life, MS is now a part of my life and I'm here to have a wide range of feelings about that! And I must always remember that : Sharing is caring! 😉

I'll be posting soon sharing my recent symptoms etc. but until then, thank you so much for stopping by 😊