Wednesday 18 September 2019


the act of delaying something that must be done, often because it is unpleasant or boring

Whose idea was it to come up with a word like this and make it so long and hard to say when you have no desire to do any of the 'stuff'.
I have scolded myself in the past for being “lazy, messy and disorganized” when I realize now I was possibly feeling uninspired, self sabotaging and maybe procrastinating.
These aren't dirty words and I feel that in this modern time I am hearing them more often.

But really upon closer inspection it boils down to not feeling amped to do something.
To me in doesn't necessarily mean going for that jog or booking in to see the gp. It can be anything. Most days the thought of putting my makeup on brings my blanket firmly over my head in bed and there it stays. And the chance that I do my makeup? 0/100. And lets face it, I LOVE makeup, it is one of my all time favourite things and yet in those moments it feels like a complete utter chore.
When I do give myself the kick up the bum I need and do full glam I feel amazing. We're talking “Helllllo guys, it's me, Nicky!”
-10 points to whatever hp house you are if you get the reference
But seriously I feel like a bazillion bucks. So why is it so hard to accomplish? 

Story time...
I remember being 13 years old watching Dodgeball at the cinema for the first time
- i saw it twice at the cinema, dont come for me its a classic
and being shook.
- or whatever the 2003 equivalent was
Vince Vaughn was having a conversation and said the following 
It dawned on me that at a mere 13 years old that that had been my whole belief system on life.
- i was very mature, thanx trauma
This has been how I have looked at my life. I have a major fear of failure and by avoiding trying to succeed at, well, anything I have looked back feeling like I haven't failed.
What I am left with is a tonne of 'what ifs'. And do you know what that feels like? Somewhere in the neighbourhood of failing. 

So whether it is down to the self-sabotage, feeling uninspired or a little bit of procrastination I don't want to continue having this mindset. I mean, what has it really done for me so far? 
(I have a great life, I have amazing people in my life, somewhere to live, food and water. Please know I'm not complaining.)
What has this limiting mindset and set of beliefs cost me?
I so often look back at my 'old' YouTube videos, see the number of views and correspondence I had with people and think "What would have happened if I hadn't given up?"
- le sigh
More importantly, what would happen if I tried now? Sure, reflection is all gravy if you're using it for good. Rather than look back at times like "I wish this or I didn't try hard enough" I want to use it as inspiration. Kind of like a blueprint of what I don't want. And that's not me making anything wrong, it's acceptance of what was and looking at it from a grateful standpoint, feeling thankful for the lessons I have learnt from those experiences. 
A lot has happened over the years, a whole bunch of changes but here I am, ready for the next part of the journey. 

I recently watched a video by Kristi that really spoke to me, check it out if you relate at all to what has been shared in this post or if you just want to watch a totes amazing video ;)
Link | 
I also watched a video from a recent find of mine on YouTube, Stephanie Lyn Coaching. Spoiler alert, parenting yourself comes into the equation and I don't know about you but I totally need to start parenting myself properly, I mean, Mcdonalds for lunch and dinner? Yum but nonononononono xD
Link |

Thank you so much for stopping by and reading, it means oh so much to me. I hope that you're taking really good care of yourself 💖

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