At this point in my life I was feeling kind of like in a limbo. My mental health was no where near as bad as it had been but was still t h e r e.
- creep
I had noticed that I had started to do things that I hadn't been able to do in years. Unfortunately I was still being controlled in quite major ways by my OCD and it was still restricting my life.
On this afternoon I had decided to get up, put on some bad ass music and do full glam. I sang and tried something different with my makeup and felt what can only be described as a surge. I set up my room and filmed a video for the first time in months. I felt incredible. I then realized that this was it, this was my moment. I knew that if I didn't strike now who knows when I would next feel this strength and ability to try.
I got my shoes on. I grabbed my bag. Made sure I had my purse, phone and keys and then slowly and methodically walked around the house. I started from top to bottom. I took my time and checked windows, plugs, taps, electricals (eg. my hair straighteners), that the back door was locked. All I could feel was butterflies in my stomach, I felt excited and pumped.
I then headed for the front door. I pulled the handle, stepped outside, took one final look inside, pulled the door shut, lifted the handle, locked the door and started walking up the driveway. After all these years I expected to feel full of fear, terror and panic. I never thought I would make it a step out of the driveway but before I knew it I was walking down the street. I didn't have a plan, nowhere in particular to go but I walked. When I made it to the end of the road I decided to go to a shop and buy a drink.
The things that struck me most was that on the other side of the door wasn't fear it was freedom. I went to a shop and bought a bottle of Dr. Pepper
- my one true love
and then took a slow walk back home. On my way I sent a selfie to some of my family members. I wanted to document what a huge milestone this was. They were in shock and told me how proud they were of me. They had seen me struggle for so many years and they knew that this was pretty much the hardest thing I had ever done.
When I came back through that front door I honestly felt like I was walking on air. I felt like a real life super hero. Nothing could stop me now. It was from this day on that I refused to stop. I attacked my OCD full force, I was pushing forward and to be honest, I pretty much haven't stopped. I consider myself as of August 2018 to be IN recovery from OCD. It will never be gone, it will always be a demon whispering in my ear but I have learnt to step in a call bullshit.
It has been a year since I stepped out onto the other side of that door and I have achieved so very much in that time. I want you to know that you too can win, you can reach the other side of whatever door is in your way. You too can experience the freedom and life that you deserve. It all starts with believing in yourself more than what your mental illness is telling you. It is easy for my to say, it's very hard to believe and achieve but my god it is so worth it. I encourage you to fight, fight for you, for the life you've been dreaming of. You can do it, I believe in you.
Thank you so so much for reading 🙏
I hope that you are taking really good care of yourself, you are so very precious 💖
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