Monday 24 January 2022

Sick of my own B.S

I'm so sick of writing about having enough of my own bullshit without making any changes. 

I looked back at my old posts, my old YouTube videos, journal entries and guess what? I am the same fucking person.

Sure, I've grown. I've faced unthinkable trauma, fought through difficulties, shed my skin in many ways but, I'm still her.

Still not taking action in my life. Still not thinking about what I want from my life. Still not practising self-love/care. Still complaining about the condition of my life. Still going through each day on autopilot.  

All the while, doing nothing to improve my circumstances. 

In the last two years, I have removed myself from an abusive relationship (which was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do). I thought after that, that I would be able to return to myself. Meaning that inspiration, motivation and self-care would follow. None of this came to fruition. 

It seems as though nothing can yank me out of it. 

Even choosing myself in leaving that relationship wasn't enough to bring me back. To bring me back to life. 

It has gotten to the point where I am so miserable with myself that I have even Googled how to 'fix' myself 😔

Part of the issue I have come to learn about is my fear of failure. Which is pretty self-explanatory.

Don't try = don't fail. 

The other part is familiarity. I know what not making effort is like.

I know what living my life as unassuming as possible is like vs fear of the unknown. 

Like many people, I have been burnt. People and situations haven't turned out as I would have hoped. People have left me. Jobs have been crap. I've been used and discarded when I have no further purpose for people. Taking these things into account, I can understand my hesitation when thinking about bettering my life. What if I fuck it up? What if people don't like me?...

When it comes to other people, I give 1000%. At work, I am completely focused on who I am looking after that I, at times, forget to have a drop of water myself. I wish I wish, I wish I could focus that kind of positive attention on myself. Sure, I can hone in on my negatives. The things that make me a bad person, a bitch etc. But love for myself? Zero. 

And, hand on my heart, I feel like I have written/spoken about countless times.

It's like the worst groundhog day  e v e r

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

- Albert Einstein

No. I'm not saying that I'm insane. But the thought causes me to pause. 

Not trying, being goal-less, remaining on auto-pilot has given me my current and past experience(s) of life. Resulting in me feeling fairly miserable, to be honest. I have a great family, a wonderful girlfriend, friends, a job, a roof over my head, a fridge full of food and for all of those things I am wholeheartedly grateful but I truly believe that while I am unhappy with myself, I cannot be happy in all aspects of my life. 

I think being sick of my own bullshit isn't the way forward (it's done nothing for me so far!). I think I need to be accepting. To be understanding that this is what I have known how to do. And while that has caused me pain, it has potentially protected me and was who I have needed to be thus far. But perhaps I can let that part of me go now. Being hypervigilant, deeply self-critical and the thing that stands in my own way has served its purpose. 

Old ways won't open new doors. 

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖

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