Tuesday 14 September 2021

Withdrawels | steps to healing

For months – I mean months, I had been in so much pain. I hid it all away from everyone. Making my family worry is something that I never want to do so I bottled it up. At times the lid would start to lift off but then I would screw it back on tight. I begged to have the strength to let him go. To be able to move on with my life, move forward. It had gone on for far too long. I pleaded to the universe to give me the strength I needed to let go. He was an ongoing reminder of all the pain I had (and still was) enduring. I hadn’t had the strength to completely walk away and remove him from my life. While I had had enough, the discomfort was familiar. The turbulence was habitual. It was part of my everyday life. It was routine at this point. For about two years of my life, the mind-numbing misery was pretty much the only thing that was consistent. It was a constantly open wound. 

Then one day, he was gone. I would never* see him again.

And while this feels somewhat peaceful, somewhat calming, I am also feeling empty. Upon reflection, I have come to realise that it isn’t him that I am missing, it’s the suffering. The constant rollercoaster of emotions. Leaving an abusive relationship is much like withdrawal from a substance(s). Seriously. Look it up.

~ Image is a clickable link to the article ~

Hopelessness? ✔

Feelings of failure? 



These are feelings I felt throughout the relationship and since it ended. None of which are positive, helpful or aid me in my healing journey. 

So now that this huge part of my life is gone, is it any wonder that I’ve been feeling a lil’ funky? Nay. Believe me, when I first read that leaving an abusive relationship could cause withdrawal much like that of giving up an addictive substance I was floored. There was finally an answer to the question that had been plaguing me for so long: Why do I miss the relationship? It isn't logical to miss it. But it was never him or the relationship I missed, it was the chemical imbalances that that relationship had created. And I had been exposed to them for so long that the lack of them felt almost unbearable. 

What happens now? 

It feels as though I am re-learning how to just 👏 live 👏 my 👏 life 👏. To live life without having to feel like someone else’s emotions are my responsibility. Without having to be ten steps ahead of another person in order to feel that something bad won’t happen. In order to feel safe. Learning to live my life without the perpetual abuse, the unceasing cycle of destructive behaviour and abandonment of self. 

I am beginning the process of unlearning a lot of behaviours. Working through which parts of me are me and which are now disposable. Growth isn't easy, - understatement of the year - it is painful and uncomfortable. I am now starting to learn how to hold myself accountable for my choices and trying to be conscious within myself. I feel that I found myself so lost and consumed in that terrible situation and relationship(s) was because I had never truly tried to be within myself. To feel into my soul and find what resonates and what doesn't. 

When I started findingnoo, one of my main goals was to be able to find all parts of myself. To get to know me better and create a beautiful, loving and accepting relationship with myself. To become understanding and have an unbreakable bond with me. In being in this relationship and others, I have put my life on hold. I have put my recovery on the bottom of my list and have created an existence where I am of service to everyone but never have the time for myself. 

At this time I am feeling a mixture of hope and anxiety. I feel like I have been freed from prison. I served my time (even though I didn't need to) and I can now live the life I was always meant to live. And I will do what I always planned to do: document my healing journey on here and other platforms in the hopes that I can help anyone who is or has been in a similar situation. 

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo
As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖

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*You know, never say never but the likelihood that I will see him again? V e r y low. 

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