Friday, 15 June 2018

Finding Noo.

Just like the seasons, I have over time, changed.
I've come to learn in the last year or so, that I have many parts that make me, me.
When looking back at my life so far, I have seen many transformations. Each of them have been brought on by me not feeling that who I was was okay, even when I felt the most myself. I felt like I was too much. I took up too much space. I was selfish.

When it comes to my relationships with others, I often become what I feel/know they need. I take on a persona. I create what is needed for them. The most I can do for me is to be as happy as possible in the situation.

In my last relationship, I (unknowingly) created another 'me'. I became masculine. Cold. Distant. Guarded. Robot-like. When I felt emotional, I viewed it as a weakness.
Unfortunately, after the relationship ended that personality was so ingrained that it stayed.
Previous to the relationship I was soft. Sure of myself. I knew who I was.

I have been living for the last 10 years or so as someone who isn't me. I have felt around the age of 60. I'm tired a lot of the time. Always on high alert for the next thing to go wrong. Ready to jump to the worst case scenario. Staying in my pyjamas all day, doing the same nothing day in and day out. I have felt incredibly lonely. So, so sad. Unable to prioritize myself in any way.

I think this part was created to keep me in check. To create control over as much as possible. To replace every part of me that previously existed. Those parts all still here, but have little time to be a part of my life. You know what the ironic thing is though? All of the things I thought I had control over, I had no control whatsoever!

While I'm sure this was what I needed at the time, it's definitely time to move on. I have much to unlearn, many things that need to be deprogrammed. Finding Noo is exactly what I've been doing so far in 2018, searching for all the parts of me that have been pushed aside for so long. There are so many personalities that make me, me. The one who's been running the show deserves to retire and rest up while the others can start living again 😏

Here, I am documenting my journey to finding me, creating the life I've always wanted and sharing my favourite things too!
- have you seen the Jaclyn Hill Vault coming soon?!?!
I am feeling more like myself every day which feels... Wonderful. I know I deserve to give myself the love and attention I so freely give to others.
Let's do this 💖

Thank you for stopping by 😊
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