Wednesday 29 July 2020

the familiar

Looking at my drafts, I have a butt load
- yes, thats a legit measurement 
of blog posts that are in the beginning stages but are left unfinished. 
For example : while writing those first three lines I got distracted, wandered around the Blogger settings and then somehow found my way back to typing this. Can I get a mutual 'ffs!!'?
My brain truly feels like scrambled egg at the moment. I say moment, it's felt like this for about a year now. My concentration is abysmal. I get these surges of motivation where I want to get my shit together and within hours, minutes, seconds... it vanishes. 
When it inevitably ends, I go back to feeling hopeless. I shut myself off from everyone - including myself. I honestly can't remember the last time I sat down with myself, assessed how I am feeling, what's going on in my noggin and what it is that I need.The only constant in my life is self neglect. 
- bravo
Sadly, it is something that I am a pro at. There are many things I am bad at but when we're talking medal worthy, gold star achieving, big fat certificate great? I'd win every time.

I tend to not give my all when I am not 100% sure I'm able to produce the best outcome possible.
Let's take my blog for example
- because talking about relationships feels a lil too raw right now
I have over 100 posts on my blog. Where are they I hear you ask? They are in my drafts. I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself for all that I do to be cohesive so with regards to my blog, I need every post to be written in the same structure as the previous and those to follow. 
- its frickin impossible, k?
I set myself impossible tasks and when they are unsuccessful I think "See, I told you, you shouldn't even try to do shit". You'd think that because I am able to say all of this it means I am able to prevent it from re-occuring... nah. I can see the situation for what it is but am seemingly incapable of stopping the cycle. People say to make small changes in order to change your life in the way in which you want it to be, but I am more of a - I want it done RIGHT NOW kind a gal. So, when that doesn't work, cos trust me, it never does, I throw my towel in and give up all together. The bar I have set myself is unbelievably high and is impossible for anyone to reach. It feels like I set myself up to fail every time. 

It all boils down to what you believe, but I truly believe that there was once a version of me in a different time, where I was completely dedicated to caring for myself. And I feel that it is my mission in this lifetime to follow in my own previous footsteps. To retrace the successful steps I once took in the journey to accepting who I am and living my life whole-heartedly. I can't keep running into the same mistakes and getting depressed when they always end up in the same way. I really need to actually try and put my own findings into practice. I feel like I have reached the point in my journey where I am able to call bullshit on myself and this seems to be one of those moments.
Sis, you gotta allow yourself to grow slowly. You can't expect yourself to be an expert at everything the first time or the hundredth time you do it. Everything is a learning curve and putting pressure on just makes the whole experience far less enjoyable. Allow yourself the time and space it takes with every challenge in life, good and not so good. There's a reason all of this feels familiar, we've been here before and we made it through. Keep trying but give yourself room to breathe and to stumble. You will get where you need to be in the end.
This is where I'll leave it for now.
This is where I am currently at and I'm planning on checking back in real soon 🙏
Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it. Please take really good care of yourselves, you are so precious 💖

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