Sunday, 19 January 2020

she.

my heart is heavy. my eyes are tired. my lungs feel empty. like i need to take a deep breath but cant. i feel low. i feel tired. i just want to sleep for three weeks. lock myself away. but i force a smile. i keep plodding on. im scared that work colleagues are going to notice that i never work more than two days in a row. im sure theyll ask why. its either that or i may crash would be an honest response but i am terrified to say it. i feel unappreciated. i feel stressed. i have begun to feel anxious again. dreaming about scary situations. waking up and having to think really hard whether my dream was real life of not. worrying has started to come back. overthinking. oversharing. overeating. running my mouth about things. i feel angry. i feel disappointed. i feel let down. insignificant. my motivation is long gone. just thinking about doing things is making me feel tired. my ms is playing up. its becoming something that i think about often and never in a good way. what if i lose my sight. what if i cant walk. what if my full sensation never comes back. i have become close with someone. it will never be anything more than it is in this moment. my heart hurts. my brain hurts and not just from the headaches. my body hurts. being me hurts. i feel like i have no direction. no certainty about anything. i think i am trying to be someone else. someone who isnt this damaged little creature. it isnt working. no matter what i am still broken. i can try to pretend im not me but when i am in my own company that me is still here. shes sad. lonely. all of the above. and so much more. i make people laugh to hide my pain. im jolly as someone called me this week. am i. maybe on the outside.



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