- woah that's not even last year at this
point
I uploaded a video to my YouTube
channel titled “New Beginnings : A Heart to Heart”. In that video, I shared some struggles that I had been through over the last few
years and a recent sense of freedom I had been feeling. I had been
shutting off the past by not allowing myself to accept how it really
was and by doing so, never had an outlet for those darker times.
At the time of that video, I had been
full steam ahead with my recovery. I was watching Tony Robbins
seminars and in doing so I learnt a whole bunch about myself and the mechanisms I have. I was really taking care of myself, mind, body
- not so much, but i was allowing myself
to eat what my inner self was craving with some salad thrown in there
and soul. Regularly checking in with
myself. Being more open with others. The middle part of 2018 was
spent being the most scheduled I had (have) been on my channel since
its creation in 2011. I was constantly thinking of new content and
was in my element. I was seeing my friends more often and was
allowing myself to be freer with speech. At this point, I had also
beaten my OCD way back and I was able to do things that I had only
ever dreamt about. Picking up my little sibling and playing with
them. Reusing my teacup without having to scrub it to within an inch
of its life. Touching door handles.
- yes really
I had come so very far. Being on that
side of recovery felt amazing.
When I uploaded this video it was kind
of a fresh start. I wasn't erasing what had come before but I was
preparing my platform for what would be coming in the future. I
re-branded and changed my name to FindingNoo. People that are close
to me call me Noo and I also tie it a lot to my younger years and
searching and connecting to my inner child has been and always will
be a part of my journey. All of the things I had achieved up until
that point were propelling me forward. I believe a large part of me
was sick and tired of focusing and living in the past and wanted me
to look to the future. I wasn't ignoring where I had been, I was just
taking it for the lessons it taught me and moving on my path.
In August 2018 I got a job. Elated
doesn't begin to cover it. For years in therapy when asked what I
wanted for my future the answer was always the same: I want to be
well enough to work. Getting that job made me feel like I was flying.
I felt incredibly proud of myself and how hard I had worked on my
journey. I couldn't wait to have my dream become a reality. Little
did I know that what I thought would be a dream, became my nightmare.
Looking back I can see all of the flags along the way. After just a
month of working, I had decreased my hours quite substantially. I also
noticed that I couldn't switch off. On my days off I would be
thinking, talking and dreaming about work. Speaking of days off, I
slept my way through them. I couldn't stay awake. So it never really
felt like I had had time off because I had done nothing with my
day(s) and then all of a sudden I was back at work. I think the
over-sleeping somewhat helped with my physical tiredness but over
time the exhaustion I felt on a soul level wasn't being catered to.
Sadly me being at work resulted in me
doing very little work – on myself. Over the course of the year and
a half of being employed, I got progressively worse and worse with
regards to my mental health. All of the progress I had made was
chipped at bit by bit. I'm not saying that I'm back to square one but
let's say I've had several setbacks. By the time it came to my
attention that working was having a detrimental effect on me it hit
me like a tonne of bricks. I have been signed off by my doctor
several times and currently, I have been off of work for 6 weeks at
this time. As a Capricorn sun, I have a strong work
ethic and am drawn to structure but in the hopes of achieving that
outwardly, I sacrificed myself and my needs over and over again.
The thought of leaving has been something that has been spinning through my mind. It has literally been tormenting me. I have nightmares about it. It's as if even my subconscious has been screaming at me “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN PICK YOURSELF FOR ONCE!!”. I pride myself on my strength, my determination and my ability to roll with the punches. But running into fists is a completely different thing. I've had to stop and really think about what it is that I am doing. How does it make me feel? What am I gaining out of this? Could I be happier? I have taken my time to really find what I really want moving forwards. I am so incredibly happy to be working, to be working where I am and having achieved all that I have to date. I am choosing myself and am going to continue to while working.
I think when I began working I wasn't fully prepared for all that would be coming my way. While others may not even have to think about switching off when they get home from work, it is something that I find difficult. I struggle to differentiate between 'work life' and 'everything else life'. For *literal* years I have said that I need to prioritize myself, to choose myself and over the last year and a half, I have to be honest, I haven't really tried to. I never really have. But now that I know a million percent that this is the kind of life I want to be living - working while prioritizing myself and my mental health - I feel ready to r e a l l y try my hardest to make it a reality.
The thought of leaving has been something that has been spinning through my mind. It has literally been tormenting me. I have nightmares about it. It's as if even my subconscious has been screaming at me “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN PICK YOURSELF FOR ONCE!!”. I pride myself on my strength, my determination and my ability to roll with the punches. But running into fists is a completely different thing. I've had to stop and really think about what it is that I am doing. How does it make me feel? What am I gaining out of this? Could I be happier? I have taken my time to really find what I really want moving forwards. I am so incredibly happy to be working, to be working where I am and having achieved all that I have to date. I am choosing myself and am going to continue to while working.
I think when I began working I wasn't fully prepared for all that would be coming my way. While others may not even have to think about switching off when they get home from work, it is something that I find difficult. I struggle to differentiate between 'work life' and 'everything else life'. For *literal* years I have said that I need to prioritize myself, to choose myself and over the last year and a half, I have to be honest, I haven't really tried to. I never really have. But now that I know a million percent that this is the kind of life I want to be living - working while prioritizing myself and my mental health - I feel ready to r e a l l y try my hardest to make it a reality.
When posting that video in June 2018 I
was really looking forward to the next chapter in my life. It appears to be continuing to learn self-growth, healing and a crap tonne of love. I'm hoping as a result of
this I will be back to connecting with myself which will mean
returning to blogging and YouTube. Can I get a woohoo?
- inside im crazy happy right now
Trying to be everything for everyone
else kinda left me out in the cold.
I'm now sitting inside with a cosy
blanket and a nice warm cup of tea. I'm ready to patch things up and keep
moving forwards.
I'll bring you along the journey with me 😊💖
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