Saturday 11 January 2020

Losing You To Love Me.

On the 27th June 2018
- woah that's not even last year at this point
I uploaded a video to my YouTube channel titled “New Beginnings : A Heart to Heart”. In that video, I shared some struggles that I had been through over the last few years and a recent sense of freedom I had been feeling. I had been shutting off the past by not allowing myself to accept how it really was and by doing so, never had an outlet for those darker times.
At the time of that video, I had been full steam ahead with my recovery. I was watching Tony Robbins seminars and in doing so I learnt a whole bunch about myself and the mechanisms I have. I was really taking care of myself, mind, body
- not so much, but i was allowing myself to eat what my inner self was craving with some salad thrown in there
and soul. Regularly checking in with myself. Being more open with others. The middle part of 2018 was spent being the most scheduled I had (have) been on my channel since its creation in 2011. I was constantly thinking of new content and was in my element. I was seeing my friends more often and was allowing myself to be freer with speech. At this point, I had also beaten my OCD way back and I was able to do things that I had only ever dreamt about. Picking up my little sibling and playing with them. Reusing my teacup without having to scrub it to within an inch of its life. Touching door handles.
- yes really
I had come so very far. Being on that side of recovery felt amazing.

When I uploaded this video it was kind of a fresh start. I wasn't erasing what had come before but I was preparing my platform for what would be coming in the future. I re-branded and changed my name to FindingNoo. People that are close to me call me Noo and I also tie it a lot to my younger years and searching and connecting to my inner child has been and always will be a part of my journey. All of the things I had achieved up until that point were propelling me forward. I believe a large part of me was sick and tired of focusing and living in the past and wanted me to look to the future. I wasn't ignoring where I had been, I was just taking it for the lessons it taught me and moving on my path.

In August 2018 I got a job. Elated doesn't begin to cover it. For years in therapy when asked what I wanted for my future the answer was always the same: I want to be well enough to work. Getting that job made me feel like I was flying. I felt incredibly proud of myself and how hard I had worked on my journey. I couldn't wait to have my dream become a reality. Little did I know that what I thought would be a dream, became my nightmare. Looking back I can see all of the flags along the way. After just a month of working, I had decreased my hours quite substantially. I also noticed that I couldn't switch off. On my days off I would be thinking, talking and dreaming about work. Speaking of days off, I slept my way through them. I couldn't stay awake. So it never really felt like I had had time off because I had done nothing with my day(s) and then all of a sudden I was back at work. I think the over-sleeping somewhat helped with my physical tiredness but over time the exhaustion I felt on a soul level wasn't being catered to.

Sadly me being at work resulted in me doing very little work – on myself. Over the course of the year and a half of being employed, I got progressively worse and worse with regards to my mental health. All of the progress I had made was chipped at bit by bit. I'm not saying that I'm back to square one but let's say I've had several setbacks. By the time it came to my attention that working was having a detrimental effect on me it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I have been signed off by my doctor several times and currently, I have been off of work for 6 weeks at this time. As a Capricorn sun, I have a strong work ethic and am drawn to structure but in the hopes of achieving that outwardly, I sacrificed myself and my needs over and over again.

The thought of leaving has been something that has been spinning through my mind. It has literally been tormenting me. I have nightmares about it. It's as if even my subconscious has been screaming at me “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN PICK YOURSELF FOR ONCE!!”. I pride myself on my strength, my determination and my ability to roll with the punches. But running into fists is a completely different thing. I've had to stop and really think about what it is that I am doing. How does it make me feel? What am I gaining out of this? Could I be happier? I have taken my time to really find what I really want moving forwards. I am so incredibly happy to be working, to be working where I am and having achieved all that I have to date. I am choosing myself and am going to continue to while working.

I think when I began working I wasn't fully prepared for all that would be coming my way. While others may not even have to think about switching off when they get home from work, it is something that I find difficult. I struggle to differentiate between 'work life' and 'everything else life'. For *literal* years I have said that I need to prioritize myself, to choose myself and over the last year and a half, I have to be honest, I haven't really tried to. I never really have. But now that I know a million percent that this is the kind of life I want to be living - working while prioritizing myself and my mental health - I feel ready to  r e a l l y  try my hardest to make it a reality. 

When posting that video in June 2018 I was really looking forward to the next chapter in my life. It appears to be continuing to learn self-growth, healing and a crap tonne of love. I'm hoping as a result of this I will be back to connecting with myself which will mean returning to blogging and YouTube. Can I get a woohoo?
- inside im crazy happy right now
Trying to be everything for everyone else kinda left me out in the cold.
I'm now sitting inside with a cosy blanket and a nice warm cup of tea. I'm ready to patch things up and keep moving forwards.
I'll bring you along the journey with me 😊💖

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